my post before the end.

I may have found my forever home with Whataburger. 

I know it's crazy, but I love that place.

I kinda wish I could do more stuff, but what I do right now is ok. 

I don't always love Whataburger, sometimes I hate it.  So that's how I know. 


I really need to start talking more, but with that comes being really low, and with being really low comes nonfunctioning.  Talking about sucking, I had to go home from work because I had the worst headache and felt nauseous.  It was really bad.  All the pain.  I came home and slept the sleep of the ages. The whitest, I'm-sleeping-during-a-rainstorm sleep you could get. 

Then came back with renewed vigor, the next day.  For now, I'm staying here. 

Like Vezzini said, "Back to the Beginning"

So I'm here again.  At the point where I need to get another job.

I love my job at Whataburger, but I'm not perfect for the job by any means and I feel like I should be looking, just in case.  

I also feel like I'm a lesser person than I was when I was looking for the Whataburger job.  I can't seem to focus on anything except my writing.  When I write, I can focus, but looking for a job and my eyes feel like they are going in opposite directions and I can't seem to filter any of the jobs, or let go of the fear that I have.  Maybe it's because I'm just starting to look and I need practice, but it's difficult for me not to compare myself to previous job searches.  

Like Inigo Montoya, in The Princess Bride, I need to go back to the beginning.  

I could apply at all the places I used to work and I was going to try that, but I got distracted and didn't.  

On the list is:

Subway

Kroger

Chuck E. Cheese

Babies R' Us

6 Flags  

I want to hit up all these places for jobs this week, and also, Mr. B's, cause it's so close to Subway.  

I just don't know how to "be" anymore.  I keep trying to find a future and some force keeps destroying it, where-ever I find it.  

I'm afraid but I'm going to try it. I'm scared of Subway, Kroger, Chuck E. Cheese, Babies R' Us and 6 Flags, all for different reasons, but it's worth a try.  I've worked at these positions before so I know what they are like.  

I don't want a new job.  I'm perfectly happy continuing with the job I have.  However, I get the impression that maybe I would be better suited to another job.  I feel like I had a few opportunities to do something different and I didn't take them.  I'll end up like the guy who's been here 14 years and still just does cleaning.  

I'm worried that I'll wait until the scared feeling goes away before vigorously applying myself to myself.  

This is just all the bad stuff.  Good stuff happens too, but we don't talk about it as much because we want to keep it close to us, savoring the good.  So if you think that I'm awful, and that awful stuff happens to me all the time you'd be wrong, there is some great stuff, too.  I'm just not a promoter of myself as much as I probably should be.  For example, I walked to the coffee shop last night.  I never do that.  I got exercise and I got to be around great like-minded people and maybe learn something. I do great things and work hard at my job. I'm always trying new things, and making sure I keep up with the pace of the workers around me.  I know there's ways I'm benefiting the restaurant. 

Latest

Looking for jobs, especially at home jobs is extremely discouraging. I'm looking online and there's nothing on indeed, monster, simplyhired, ziprecruiter, or snagajob. 

I'd have an easier time looking on indeed for just a general "job" search.  All the "home" jobs are job listings with "home" in them, like home health care or home dish installer. Very discouraging. 

Some notes

I want to work at home, but I feel like my serious attentions are met with ridicule. This is just a feeling, but a palpable one.  All these work at home jobs are either scams, they need you to be super human typist such as captioning, or a super fun person like online tutoring, or a super something that I don't have.  It's like none of the jobs are entry level.  They all require some education or skill or hustling.  

Musings of a Troubled Mind

I want a job.  I need a job.  I have a job.  I have panic attacks when I get on the computer to look for a job.  I have a part time job at a fast food restaurant and not much experience, mostly entry level. 

No one believes in me. 

I keep having panic attacks.  Just today.  I am looking for work at home jobs and they are either too technical and advanced or fake jobs. 

I feel like I'm trying to write about the future, what happens to me in the future and I don't know anything about what happens to me in the future.  I keep trying to bring myself back to myself, but I'm lost. 

How to find a job in the midst of an existential crisis?  I don't have anyone to trust. 

I trust my mom to an extent, but I don't trust that she would appreciate or support me. 

I don't really have anyone else in my life other than Elizabeth L., (recently, Billie), and Marie.  And those three keep trying to dump me in the river.  I'm a boring body. 

So much for networking and marketing.  I've been thinking about starting a series on networking and marketing, but I don't know that I'd be able to do all the upkeep, and fulfill the growth promised.

The idea is to go to as many of the meetups as I could in a month.  Just go.  And talk to people and network.  I'm thinking about it.  But March is coming up...Beware the IDES.  Kinda just want to keep on keeping on. 

Maybe I'm stressed about getting a new job because I'm not happy with my current job.  I don't like the way my coworkers treat me.  It's not that they are rude, in fact I don't think I've ever heard so many thank you's and pleases, and I'm sorry's.  I think it's their attitude.  Maybe it's my bad attitude?   I will continue to try and do a good job and have the right attitude.  I'm pretty positive. 

I keep praying and I know that I'm going to be pushed off the ice cliff and into the waiting tiger seal's mouth.  I keep feeling them pushing me over the edge of my mind.  These people who are pushing me, are the church people.  I do feel like a penguin.  Also Antarctica is the only safe place left. 

How to find a job.  I feel incomplete so much of the time. Don't you have to feel wonderful to get a job? 

Are we going through a recession?  What is the most practical use of my time and money towards  education to get a great paying and stable job? 

I feel like I've done all this before and didn't get anywhere.    So depressing. 

So now I'm doing it all over again to get another dead end job? 

I feel like education and job searches are a betting game.  Do I bet on graphic design?  Do I bet on insurance?  What do I bet on to be a viable career?  Who and what will be needed in four years? 

Where is God in all of this?  Adding Him provides another killing element to my soul.  I have to live life by His (read churches') rules, too.  And the churches' rules are the worst.  They aren't even for you.  They are personal things for others.  At least that is how it has been for me.  Aren't I supposed to put God first?  How could I put Him first?  Would He be my mother's God?  Or some other person's appraisal of God?  Would I have to work at 6 Flags?  I get that spiritual message, a lot.  I almost was a manager there, but I think most of 6 Flags has been worked out of me, through Whataburger.  I don't see me going back. 

So depressed and getting even more depressed. 

I throught writing was supposed to help me.  Cartharsis, and all that. 

Question of the day: 

How did you get the job you currently work at? 

What Happened

I quit my job at Whataburger.

I did it to make myself happy. I was getting really depressed.

I wasn't making Whataburger happy, either. I wanted to make that place happy and I just couldn't adjust quickly enough.

I woke up and my body was like I'm going to flip out and kill someone today if I don't quit.  So I had to listen.  Got to stay safe.

So I'm back at home, with limited funds, looking for a job again.  Not just any job, but a job that fits me and that I can do without destroying myself.  I don't want to end up in another job where I can't promise what I said in the interview.


I feel really emotional and motivated.  This might be good for a new start.

I'm listening to The Fizzle Show's Podcast on Motivation.  It's some wisdom.

I signed up.  I did it.  The whole AVON thing.  Makeup, lotion, gifts.  I keep remembering this one student in college that talked to me at the bus station and I actually bought something that I thought was useful. It was a hair remover that I used for a while.  I think I can really help people.  She helped me by reaching out and this gives me a reason.

I need to talk to my mom about letting me use the other car.  Insurance is about $90.  I applied to UTA (I haven't paid the application fee yet.) and I made an appointment with the Nursing Advisor at TCC.  I don't really have a plan, but going to school and learning something could help.

There's this phone number for an at home sales job that I need to call, and there it is.   My plans for my new life.

Thank you, life.

Narrowing the Field

I've narrowed it down to several categories that I think I would be interested in. 

Plants
Animals
Writing
Secretary
At Home
Business

For plants I need to get outdoors and clean up the yard, maybe plant a garden and see how I like that.  I'm always pleased as punch when my native pepper plant bears fruit, taking care of plants seems rewarding, and my family has history with gardening, etc. 

I love animals.  So I'm thinking I need to volunteer at the animal shelter to see if it's a career path for me. 

Writing, well, I'm writing this blog, and I have a viable children's book idea, that I'm working on, so I'm doing that to see if I can make this work as a regular thing. 

As for secretary jobs, I do thing like make spreadsheets, organizing my desk and work, and make and fill out forms all day. My mom is a secretary and if I could share that with her, I'd feel even closer to her. 

At home, I've been cleaning to see if I could motivate myself in this environment and it's been paying off.  The next challenge is to put the baseboards up in my room and fix the sink. 

As for business, I've been working at one and seeing how it works and how it functions and how the people interact with the company. 

I know I'm missing aspects of these jobs that people need that I should be challenging myself to work on, but only you dear reader know what they are unless you comment.  I will be awaiting your wise words. 

Job Searching Searching

Lately, I've been torn between choosing a job that is readily available and choosing a job that I would love.  Because I love animals.  But A LOT of people LOVE animals and there just isn't that great of a pool out there.  Although, I would love a job that involved animals, is it really worth it, to slave away at a job that involves something I love but that I would never feel really worthy of because I know people who would be tons better at the job than I would be?  Here I'm really devaluing myself.  Maybe I'm just discouraged.  

Lately, I've been thinking.  I have a job.  Maybe I should just stop there.  It's good enough.  The major qualms I have about this job are:

1. That it is not full time yet, and may never be if I'm not good enough.  
2. That the pay is not awesome.  $9.00/hr is great, but not enough to live on.  
3.  The work is flipping burgers.  Not something great or grand or magnificent.  

I love my job already and will put my heart and soul into flipping those burgers, but is it what I really want to do with my life?  I know I shouldn't say "This is good enough."  

So where do we go from here?  Should I keep at the job I love because I love it and it will work out in the end?  Should I pick up the job I hate because that's more long lasting and I can use my grittiness on it?  I've got all these loose ends. Should I check out admin assistant jobs, which I haven't so far out of deference to my mom's admin assistant job?   Should I try at home jobs, because I hate staying at home and because most are part time, they would fit in with my Whataburger job?  

That's what I've been leaning into, lately. (also using the word "lately" a lot.)   At home jobs.  If I can find a part time one, I'd have something to do on the weekends, anyhow.  And in my mind, I hate being at home all the time, but my lazy self, I love to relax as I do things.  (This does have the same problems as animal jobs, as I think everyone would love to work from home.) 

So as far as the list of job categories goes, here it is.

General (ex. warehousing)
Kids
Animals
At Home
Administrative Assistant
Restaurant
Entertainment/Tourism
Sales and Marketing
Car Related

I don't really hate or love any specific area.  

On the one hand, since I got this job I felt like I should take a break from job searching, but on the other hand,I don't want my job searching skills to get rusty, especially if I'm not at this job very long.  

After some deliberation, I have decided to stop searching for a job for a month, the month of October, and devote my full attention to my new job at Whataburger.  Also, this will give me time to choose a career path, decide where my life is going or not going and choose a direction.  

I got a Job

I got one.

Whataburger.

Part time increased to Full time, if I'm a good worker.

a dollar more than I'm making at Subway.

I can get there by using Uber.

Ryan Brown does this, and it seems to work for him.

I did the math and i still seem to turn a profit.

Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?  Am I having flashbacks of my Aunt Peggy working at Chick-fil-a?  Am I worried about my vegetarian lifestyle?  All these questions plague me.  I worry about leaving Subway too soon. I love working there.  I thought that they had enough people that I was not needed anymore, but I may have moved to soon.

How did I get the job?  I got the job from indeed, found the phone number from Google, and called to see what was the best way to get hired.  From there, I filled out an application online.  They called me to schedule an interview.  I barely got there on time with an uber, and had a last minute interview.  I have to call to apologize for not getting my information in earlier, but was detained unavoidably.

That is the boring story of how I got the job.

Am I still going to look for another job?  It's that or going back to school.  I don't know which at this point, but I'm looking at Horticulture.  The two problems with the program that I can see is that it is during the day for one and at the North East campus for two. Thus, if I'm working during the day, I might have problems with scheduling and it's a far drive for me.  I'm not ruling it out yet, but scheduling and location conflicts are real.  

I've got to pray that the Lord lets me make it these next two weeks.

Writer Panic Attacks

I've been having panic attacks spinning articles for this one site. I used to sit down and chug out word after word of nothing to complete a $3-5 article, but for my body, I suppose my standards have risen.  I can't write about something about which I'm not passionate.  How strange that such standards would manifest themselves in fear and panic attacks.

So how do you deal with panic attacks that are keeping you from earning your bread and butter?  This site is the only site with regular work that I'm a part of that I know I can write something and make solid money doing it.

Nick Usborne, in When Panic Attacks Writers promises that if you have a panic attack related to writing that you should take two hours away, doing something else.  I think he's right.  My brain is still on write mode though, I just might finish this.