Going "Rouge"

I have gone rouge.  Almost. 

And I am dammit mad!  And sad.  And Mixed up. 

I just dropped my classes at UTA.  This means that I'm kind of going crazy?  Or stopping going to someplace before I go crazy?  All I know is that I'm going to go through a lot of dirt before I come out the other end.  Ten more years of pain and suffering, right?  That's the cost of quitting a semester?    Ok, this is me getting angry and sad and crazy. 

My mom is acting really weird.  Like the opposite of uptight but with the same results as being uptight. 

On the other end, if I focus all my pain and rage and whathaveyou into getting a job, then I might have a chance of making something of myself. 

And I'm going to do things differently than I have done them before.  I'm going to lie.  I'm doing this to see if anyone can get a job in this economy.  (Oh, but I'm not going to take the jobs I'm unqualified for...I'm really bad about pretending, I'm just OCD.)  Obama taught us to never talk about jobs.  I can't, not talk about it.  I think my kids are in there, saying "Go mom, experiment with jobs, have fun!"  And I really want to listen to them. 

Eternal: The first thing I'm doing is gathering all the internet advice about people in their thirties.  Everyone has advice for school age children, teenagers, especially, and college students.  At the most important time in our lives when we don't have educational system to back you up, what then?  Are we air?  Do we matter?  Is there things we need to be doing?  I'll explore all these topics and more.  I give myself two weeks to research and edit, and 6 weeks to implement.  This is all - I hate to label it - Self Development, which I do not need.  I need to let go.  But everyone has rules in their lives and I have some, but

Make a schedule.  Keep it.  I give this two weeks

Past: Then I'm going to hit up my past career places, see what I have done with my life so far.  Check out my resume, play with it.  Connect the threads of education/career/volunteering to see what comes out5 weeks

Present: Set aside some money to buy a suit, cab fares, airline tickets.  Get some counseling, I have a feeling I will need it.  Indeed or three pages of job searching. 

Future: Take that obedience course, CPR course, self improvement from the ads Lie like horizontal. 

What will mess me up:  Depression, overblown mistakes, fear, God.  God's a big one.  I'm not an atheist or I wouldn't be talking about God.  but I feel like I tried to serve Him the wrong way and got burned up.  So now if He wants to contact me, I'll let Him, but I'll always be wary of those eyes. 

So be looking for updates, I'm sorry this is such a mess, but I can't really keep it together as much as I want to right now.