LAZY

I feel bad when I start looking for a job.  Like, creepy.  Like I'm a creep for even thinking about considering getting a job.  So I've been hedging around it for a month.  Am I a creep?  I don't want this.

I feel like I want to do what I don't want to do.  Which is the definition of work, amrite? But I don't want to be creepy. 

I guess the truth is I want help for me without me doing any work. This is hard for me to admit. You guys better appreciate my labor, baring my soul.  I am lazy.  I still think of lazy as an emotion.  But it is an action or more precisely, a non action.   

I can see myself from above, and I don't like the way I'm going.  I'm getting more arrogant, more lazy, more self-entitled. 

I see myself as very timid, because of the way I approach my looking for work.  Baby steps, when employers want manly, 7-leauge boots steps. 

Ok, I looked it up, L-A-Z-Y could be an emotion or a will.  Definitely an adjective.  Example: I feel lazy.  I prefer to think of it as a spiritual condition.  A spiritual malady, if you will.  A sick will. 

The cure to most spiritual maladies is love.  I need more love.  Instead of PokemonGO, i need LoveGO.  Or a spiritual seeing eye dog.  I already have one of those.  She's more than a therapy dog, she's a GD German Shepherd of my Soul. 

I don't want to be lazy - this is a sign of getting better.  I don't want anyone to get high hopes or depend on me, though.  I'm not out of the woods yet. 

I need like a Jesus to explain to me all the things I've ever done, like the Samaritan woman at the well.  Explain the house, explain the couch.  Explain my body and my head.  Explain what to do for my mom, explain the dog, the birds.  Explain my impending sense of doom.  Explain my laziness.  Explain why whenever I want to get a job, I feel I should look for the love first and then don't know how and quickly dismiss it and go about it with the regular organizational methods. 

Why my body gets so tired and why I feel like a fixture in my neighborhood.  (Probably because of walking the dog so much.)     Why I feel so stinky , probably because I didn't take a shower yesterday (I was sleeping) and because I lied about fasting for a blood test; I ate two pieces of bread and a pickle around midnight, so I'm hoping it doesn't count.