I feel a lot of things.

I started to work on my job situation.  I have a job at the moment but it doesn't start until February.  I'm going to get another job to get out of working there, but I don't want to quit it until I'm sure I have another job.  

I did my Babysitting job website sweep, and Sittercity and Care had some hits.  Urbansitter still needs a video, which I can't make on my compy.  I'm going to ask my mom to help me make it with her iphone. Care4hire has nothing on it.  

I emailed DARS.  

Then I got stuck.  I wanted to get on craigslist and robot through the ads, but something held me back.  I feel confused and embarrassed about some of the things suggested on that site.  However, I have gotten a job on there before.  I don't know how legit it was, but I was paid real money and I was really working. 

I couldn't even go past that to writing jobs.  

And as for getting out, I imagine today's not a great day for it, being a holiday.  

I don't have any friends to take me out.  

There are no job fairs today.  

As for the newspaper, they only had one ad that seemed to be of interest and it even was rather sketchy looking.  

I've been sailing in and out of different forms of depression all day.

Talking to Jeffery Young. Nice to have someone to relate to.  

I want to go to the church meeting, but I also feel tired from staying up all night.  

I keep getting stuck in waiting.  I feel really dumb and hate the feeling of being boxed up and doing nothing.  Is that what I do to recharge? Sit and stare a things?  I was trying to find something more substantial, but I guess that's just too much for some me.  Because I want to be doing things so bad. 

I feel like everyone is cutthroat these days.  

My mom is sleeping her day away and watching TV.  I guess things could be worse.  

I feel so aggressive.  Angry.  I'm not sure if I should pacify the anger and let it dissipate or use it. 

And I feel sad.  I feel a lot of things.  

I didn't get a job by

I didn't get a job by:

Staying home

Not networking / being alone all the time  

Being rigid towards myself and others

Overthinking things

Over complicating things

Being overly intro- or outro- spective without a balance

Mismanaging time

Not sacrificing to get a job

Not depending on others

To get a job:

Get out

You can get out by walking to local places near you to get a job, having people such as friends or family take you places,

Network, Know you aren't alone



Be flexible
Don't think at all
Don't be complicated
Be even about looking at yourself
Manage your time wisely
Sacrifice
Depend on others

My Main Motivation for Finding a Job Soon and Freelance Writing Sites that I Trust to Get the Job Done

I'm trying to get a snappy new job so that my mom doesn't have to support me and so that I can support myself and to pay off my student loans.  I would also include tithe.

There's tons of little things I'd like to spend my money on.  Getting the laptop keyboard fixed.  I am now not able to use the letter "z," I have to copy and paste, and clothes, as I keep running out of bras and pants.  I would like to get some new purses, and order food out, or go to the store to get candy.  

However, I am not going to do any of these things until I pay my debt to the to my mom who helped me out, paying for my classes and the federal government.  I must practice what I preach and put paying my debt first.  My mom says that she won't use the social security money I am receiving to pay for my student loans, anymore.  So money wise that would be a 10% debt and a 90% to loans.  

This means I have no choice but to get a job.  

Tomorrow, if all goes well, I will get out to look for a job.  Until then, since I can't go out, I'll work on online writing jobs.  

Textbroker.com is the most reliable site to get paid.  Then there's Freelancer.com on which I got a job which didn't go well, and Upwork.com where I'm yet to get a job. Then there's Online-Writing-Jobs.com which I think will help me get a "bread-and-butter" job, a job that you can get to "pay the bills."  

I don't know what specifications I should use to find said writing job.  I don't really have any guidance in this area. Should I be focusing on SEO since it is the biggest thing right now?  Should I be focusing on editing, since a lot of the time that's what I feel like doing instead of writing?  I could focus on specific areas such as family or pets or business.  I feel like I have too much freedom and not enough vision in this area.   

Therefore, I am paying off my student loans and when I can't get out I'm looking for online writing jobs.   I have no clue what I should be specializing in so Jesus take the wheel.  

Accidental Jesus Rant

I got up supra early this morning.  My previous self would be so jealous of me right now!

5am.  

That's how early.

Enjoying the Lord Jesus.

I think I come on to blogger and complain about things for two reasons: one; to prove that I'm a person with conflict and two, to hide the good things inside of me and never let them out.  To save and savor them, keep them a secret between me and Jesus, when it turns out I'm not helping other people.

Witness Lee always says we are great lovers of God until it comes to other people.  Then we get exposed.   I am exposed in my writing because there are other people involved other than just me.  I really appreciate the dealings of conscience that I get.  There's not just my conflict: there's other people and their conflicts.

I just have to sacrifice what I don't want to sacrifice if I want to keep writing this blog, and I really do.  Before, in 2005, I had no readers, so it didn't matter, but the Lord has actually blessed me with readers, so I must consider their thoughts and intentions.

I wanted to share that with you because I care about ya'll and I want you to know I'm thinking about you when I write.  So I shall write on, and on shall I write!

Old Job Places

I am scouting out all my old job places that I've worked before, trying to get a job there, because I know they are all good places to work.  I used to work at Subway, Kroger and Chuck E. Cheese, all places within walking distance.

I've had really low self-esteem lately about getting a job, lately.  My mom has been putting off taking me places, and it's difficult to get out of the house and up in the morning.  I think my mom wants me to wait until the holidays are over to look for a job, and I feel like I can't wait.  She is probably right, though, I should just take a breather.

Took a stand today, to go to the strip mall in Pantego, near my house.  I woke up late and was angry about that, then I took the dog for a long walk, which I felt she needed.  I wasn't sure I would get out again, but I did and everything was worth it.

Life comes at you fast, but if you are ready, you can catch and pass.

Can't Write Anymore

Having weird flashbacks to when I first dropped out of school at Texas State.  For those of you who don't remember I did that Fall 2005.  What would have been my junior year.  Also, when I flunked a Psychology class at UTA by not going. That was one of my forever Senior years.    I still don't remember much of what happened that semester.

I'm up and I'm not at school.  I'm wishing I could go back to bed and turn off the world, but not today, folks.  Today I'm writing a blog. 

Here it is, ladies.  How I escaped my mental anguish by stuffing my emotions into words and getting a job in writing.  That's the thing. I don't know if I can write anymore.  Writing breaks.  It's like childhood.  You write and you think you have something and it's not, it's not a glorious diamond that you've unearthed, it's your dog's drooly half-eaten tennis ball that you've found buried under the shed.  And you think, Aw god, if only I had this experience or that person in my life, everything would change.   If only I had asked to try out for the tympani drums sophomore year in high school that I had spent all night practicing for, things would be different.  If only I were braver.  Well, this is how it is.  You are broken.  Hacked.  Desiccated.  A husk. 

Write on. 

Incognito

I have batman stats. 

I feel very dangerous lately.  Like I'm on the edge of something. 

Here we are.

So I'm here and it's 1:13pm.  I've been up since sun up, another all nighter/morning flip. 

Things are good.  I've taken care of myself, my dog, but I feel like my mom is not doing to well.  How much she'll let me help on that, I really don't know, but I feel like I should do something.  She never tells me her dreams anymore, just the one about moving and getting "some land."  She got her Bachelor's degree in English.  I don't know why she doesn't use that to get a either higher-paying or more fulfilling job. Otherwise, she seems like her needs are fulfilled. 

So that settles back to the valley which is me.  What to do with three hours and 33 minutes. 

Get a job.  I can't get one.  With the medication I'm on, I'm not going to get a job any time soon.  I know we are running out of money.  My SS pays little.  I'm lazy, but I'm just not sure where to start. 

Do you search online or in person? Both?  Neither?  Do you absorb a job through osmosis?  WTF, why is it so complicated?  'Why are the doves so noisy.  Don't they have anything better to do when I'm stressing over what to do.  All they do is eat (messily, I might add) and poop and make noises and make babies.  They live in that cage for their whole life, which isn't very long.  They don't have a job. 

Doves don't have a job, dog's don't have a job, Mother does have a job.  It consumes every waking minute even though it is a mere secretarial job.  I guess that is because it is with the government and the government eats souls alive. 







I often feel like I have to make a job perfect.  I have to have the right "feel."  Be there for someone.  Some cause.  I ignore all this pansy hogwash and say get an entry level job.  Something you don't have to lie on your resume about.  I have thought of lying on my resume.  

then there's this guy who went out to get rejected.  Rejection Therapy was born. I could not lie and just get rejected by employers, since I'm not qualified enough to work at the jobs I've been seeing. 

Then I think... this is cute and all, but I'm wasting my time.  I have to get a job now.  

Maybe that's the voice I should tell to shut up.  ok.  Wasted 18 minutes coming to this conclusion instead of poring over job sites.  I'd say I'd gotten a lot of rejection today: Facebook.  Just spiritually from different sources.  2 more minutes making those last two sentences.  I think our enemy may be time.  If I could just ignore time, unlimited productivity.  (How many businessmen have said that and died on reentry.)  Maybe not ignore time, but lasso it, harness it's energy and unbridled enthusiasm for continuing.  Without mass, there is no time.  *brain explosion*  

Every single time I come up with my I have to admit, slightly fun methods of job search, the Mad Hatter brings up the topic of time.

I'm serious, but compiling endless job adverts in a large black notebook haven't helped. 

For my first job I went to a job fair.  My next four jobs I went to the place where they were and asked for an application, filled it out there and got the job.  Then another school job.  Then I filled out an application online, that was Babies R' Us.  Then one job off craigslist.  I hope they didn't think I was going to sell them any weed.  Because I wasn't.  My last job, I got from a hiring agency.  It was pretty much the most awesome by far. 

Four walkins, two school jobs, Babies R' Us, craigslist and a hiring agency. 

And yet I go.,..

I finally got a job interview!  I have it at one today.  I feel sick, weak, and shaky, though.  I don't know how much of that is interview stress and how much is other stress.  I'm nervous, even though I don't care if I get the job or not, which is long story. 

I worked at Babies R' Us in 2009.  I had a great time, I was learning new things, and I felt like I had a great job.  The first day I had some money stolen out of my bag, and there was another clerk who was really nice, but I didn't see her very much after that.  The thing is we are supposed to ask if they want to buy batteries and if we don't do that...we have to give them a free gift card.  I forgot several times.  And so the day came where I didn't want to go into work at all.  And so it was spoken and so it was that I did not go in. I did call first to tell them.  And I went back to school and that was the end of that. 

Why would I apply again?  I think it was part desperation, part really hoping things there had changed. They have a lot of turnover of employees.  I don't know if that means they are good at building people up or they are lousy at it.  I feel like I have three months to get my act together, then it's curtains for me at that job. 

I calculated that would be about a $1500 for three months.  I can pay off some debt I have on my unsubsidized loans.  First thing to worry about.  And in the meantime look for another job, either at Toy's "R" Us or moving on up the ladder at Babies. 

I know I'm a wreckage of a human being, but even undead skeletons need to eat souls.I don't take the way of someone else, but my own way.  This is a hard path to travel.  I can be wrong, really wrong at times.  I probably don't even deserve a job.  Even a weak one like this one. I'm crumbling into dust as I write this. 

And yet I go...

My dog is evil.

I lay down next to her and snuggle her, then pick at her ear bump, which is a tumor or just one of those weird things that happen to dogs that is benign.  She hates me so she makes a set of my back muscles twitch like they would if some demon had pinched them.  Little devil dog.  (I think she always defends me so has gotten a god complex.) 

So I'm trying to figure out this job thing.  I searched for "help getting jobs in Arlington, TX"  A couple of bum and ex inmate sites were in the search results, but nothing helping regular people get a job.  I guess regular people don't need help.  Yet I need help. 

I haven't been applying as regularly as I should so that is something.  I should apply to at least 5 jobs per day.   Indeed seems kind of legit, but high intensity.  The other jobs sites, Simplyhired and Monster don't really have very many job leads.  I'm blaming that on the fact that Arlington doesn't have very many jobs. 

I figured out that I'm a freeloading bum, and I need to get a job like the rest of the people around here. 

So I'm not Bachelor degreed or skilled. I can walk dogs, clean and cook, and type 45 wpm.  I am also CPR and First Aid Certified. 

I'm not brave enough to face the day or my neighbors.  I have this beautiful free dog walking flyer. I don't have anything better to do than gain experience.  In the daylight I turn into this home abiding sun-shunning vampire (apart from the daily dog walk).  It really just sucks.   I'm like the mud creature who feels safe at dark, but who's skin is burned by the new light of day.

My sleep schedule doesn't help.  Sleeping to ridiculous hours of the afternoon. 

So I've decided that I'm a bum, or Gollum, which ever comes first in the dictionary and either way, I need to get a job like normal people have. 

Going with the trend.  I think I need to find a job I feel like I can pawn in. 

Looking through my categories of jobs I'm qualified for I think I can pawn in customer service and call center jobs.  They have always been placed in the "Boring" category in my head, so maybe I need to see if they are boring or not. 

I have applied at Care.com.  I found several potential jobs from there.  I was able to get a great job at the Bambino Palace, but that was cut short quickly.  I think they have a lot of different jobs, a lot of turnover.  So we are hoping that one of the jobs I apply to goes through.