Going Crazy?

I decided not to take the job.  I decided not to go back to school.  Am I insane? 

I really am confused about this right now.  But I have had a head ache and body ache for the past two days, no motivation to get up and sleeping very strangely.  So my feeling is this...I should not go back to school for any whatever degree.  If go insane it will be a private insanity, not a public or dangerous one.  I knew I couldn't handle it.  I still know I can't. 

My dad's coming to town.  That kind of visit really always screws things up, because it's like, my dad, my superhero!  Throw in all the chips.  Then he leaves and it's like drug withdrawal!  My lungs are burning!  My life is a crumpled leaf.  I hate myself.  Suicide. 

That's why you should live near your parents.  Also for the free babysitting. 

So what will I do to get out of this.  Probably apply to some jobs.  Probably do some freelance writing or whatever it is you do freelance.  (not prostitution!  Dirty mind.)

I get so mad at myself for not taking the job.  Because it was the perfect setup.  EXACTLY...the perfect setup.  I'm not going to fall for that.  Life may take me, but the perfect setup, no.  Also I think my family wants to to end up like my Aunt Peggy(who went crazy after living in California and lived with my grandmother in her house only going out for groceries and doctor's appointments until she died and now lives in a nursing home) so they can suck my life away.  Ask them, it's true. No wonder I hate them so much. 

Anyways.  I want a life.  Not fame.  A life.  Not even a husband or kids.  But a life.  Not even church or God.  A life, even though that's heartbreaking to say.  I've given up so much in my life.  People may have said I have gotten it back.  I just want to say by their fruits you know them.  If my life hasn't shown any evidence of what I've gotten back...then it hasn't gotten anything back.