Change of Plans

I'm not going back to school.   Dun know why.  Just not.  One semester away.  :( 

So I was looking for a full time job.  I don't think I can handle it.  Last time I dumped college for staying at home with my family, I got pretty scary.  I had a job at Chuck E. Cheese that I was exhausted coming home from and my mom and I got in some pretty bad fights. 

So I'm going the stay at home route.  Crafts.  Freelance Writing.  Home Care (which is away from home, but still in the same general milieu.)

More updates to come. 

Need for $10

So I got the job.  Some money is probably coming in from the grant/student loan and all is well with the world.

Overall, I'd say all is right with the world.  But I got all piggish and selfish.  I got a bill from paypal.  I don't remember using their credit, but apparently I did.  $6.05.  And the same day, I got on Wikipedia, which I use like medicine, and they have a $3 donation fundraiser.

So in my little insect mind, I'm all...I have 4 weeks.  I can make $10 with $1 to spare.

First I look up the money making schemes on google.  I have to change up my wording to get the right hits.  $10 in 4 weeks doesn't cut it.  I play around with it again.  making $10 dollars online.  My results change over and over again until I find the quiet message box. I have already added the suggestions I've gotten from the previous hits: Elance, Textbroker, Freelancer.

(I already knew about most of the sites.)  Then there was fiver, who came up over and over again.  It made sense to make 5 dollars.

The first thing I learned about fiver was that it was not, as I thought, a site like craigslist which listed gigs for workers.  It is a service provider, that people go to to provide and list services.

I had just pulled out my knitting so I thought.  Ok, Gnome Hats I can do it an listed it under Fun and bizarre; Just for Fun.  Then I get to the pricing page, the second page.  There are two boxes, one for price and one for delivery time.  Neither box worked.

So I called support.  Excellent.  Hopefully they will be back with me in a day or two.  I hope it's somethting really wrong with it.  REALLY wrong with it, not me just being a dumbo.  lol.  LoveFiverr, just cause it shares a name with a certain bunny.  

(Side Note: Friends don't smoke other friends.)

The End?

Is this the end of my job search for a while?  I'll be too busy for work during school.  But I'll still be sending out feelers to see what I'm going to do after graduation.  If I don't fail Calculus II. 

It's really about what the hell am I going to do with the rest of the break now that I don't have to find a job!   5 weeks. 

1.  Rest and Recuperate.  Any problems, take care of them.
2.  Books, Career Center, Tutoring, etc. in January.
3. Maybe I should volunteer at the animal shelter or the library. 

I'm really bored with everything.  I miss people I can't get in touch with, cause it'd be awkward.  I mean do you ever just want a whole room full of your exes so you could get to know them more?  And besides  you still love them. 

Anys. 
Just bored and lonely and aimless. Tired.  Went to bed at the wrong time, and got up all cranky. 

Does anybody reading this want or need anything?  I have 5 weeks.  I'll do my best to get it to you, anyway, anyhow.  We can start a crowd funder.  

I keep thinking I want to build this birdhouse for my neighbor, but my mom would have to drive me to the hardware store and trying to get through her is like slashing through a jungle of red tape.  I'd have to explain what I'm doing.  And to my mom it doesn't make sense to build something for someone who's not related to just to be nice.  "Why is this person so important to you?  Why do you need to build her a birdhouse...you don't know her that well."  Her condescending tone is lost in translation.  She would like it.  That's why and I want to talk to her.  That's why. 

Urgh.  I shouldn't complain about my mom.  I know she's probably suffering things we can't understand.

So what is this "relax" you speak about.  I feel like I'm ready to take on the world. 

I have to inform social security and DARS. 

No Really, The End (For this Semester)

Ok, This is weird, after the drama of last week, but I got the job!  The call center one.  The email from UTA must have been for a job that I had interviewed at earlier, and I confused the two.  Pretty happy, but exhausted from just looking at my potential schedule next year.  When am I going to be able to do this?  The afternoons?  I won't have any free time except on the Lord's Day and Saturday. 

I'm not panicking, but being realistic.  Can I do 16 hour days?  Will I stick to my study schedule?  Will I be able to get to the Christian's on Campus Meeting or a church meeting at all?  Maybe the Lord's Day? After all, that's one of the reasons I'm on campus at all, to get connected with God's life in the believers. 

So for next time, getting a job.  Don't be desperate.  Don't want the job.  Not callously, but because you don't have time.  Keep yourself busy.  The whole time I was wondering...If I get the job, great, but if I don't get the job, that's great, too because I'll have some time off.  To get a job: Don't need it.   

Fighting the problems

I've thought about lying before.  Making up great qualifications, and then figuring things out on the fly.  I'm sorry if that makes you laugh, because that means you are a jerk.  Fat people can lie too. 

Dumb people are more likely to lie.  Definitely fits in with the DUMB goals.  Personally I think you can only get things done using SMART goals. 

I almost think that there are only jobs for which I am underqualified.  What I mean, is that people only post super menial part time jobs and super difficult that require a lot of education and experience. 

I have this memory of Dolly Parton getting a job being a radio therapist by lying about her qualifications and then getting found out and having her reputation tarnished. 

It's like being a castaway in a boat on a huge ocean with no compass, no oars. 

And then I get to a job posting exhausted from trying to paddle with my arms, and it has no food and no water.  I lose hope, seeing a mirage. 

What are my paths?  I have a lot of DUMB high, lofty paths, which I go to when my SMART paths aren't working and I keep ignoring my GROW paths begging for attention.  Maybe that's the problem.  I'm ignoring the problems.  Displacing them and ignoring them.  I put my conscious wants and needs first.  I say, I'll deal with this later, or say someone else will deal with this.  Totally wrong of me. 

Fighting problems.  Imaginary dragons equals not easy by a long shot.  You can't fight your problems.  You just can't.  You can't fight them.  Problems aren't for fighting.  They are for solving. 

I just got a message from that guy I like and he says that unless I stop going to school he I don't love him.  I feel better and worse at the same time. 

Better, because I can skip this madness and that I don't have to choose someone who would make an ultimatum so crazy for me.  Worse, because.  I really like him.  He's nice.  He talks to me all the time.  We kind of mesh.  He's way younger than me like by 5 years.  So not so bad.  Maybe it's just stupid stuff.  It probably will always be stupid stuff.  I'm kind of self-coaching to be an old maid.  Every time I feel like someone rejects me, I add the pain to this ball of self hate.  I can never win.  If I get hurt, I look stupid to everyone else and they judge me too sensitive. If I ball it up, it's like this huge mess of stuff that I can't deal with that attacks me randomly.  I need a light saber.  lol. 

So the conclusion of that is that I'm skipping trying to find a job now.  I'm going back to school.  And I'm going to apply to everything under the sun in the career center to get a job there.  And while in school get a job with the school.  Yay, life better, mischief managed.  OMG, I'm stuck in the reference StarWars/Star Trek/HarryPotter Hole!Peace, out, night all. 

Ruminations and Poetry

So depressed.  I needed some development beyond what I was earlier this evening.

This is a short term job finding gig.  It's for myself, I promised myself that I would.  It's really because I think this person I like would rather me not go back to school, but get a full time job.  Which is practical.  Stupid to do things for people you like, am I right?  It's not like a long-term relationship, where we've actually talked about it.  

I made the commitment to search for a full time job for the six weeks prior to school starting.  Is that shallow.  Maybe I should make the commitment to quit school for good.  I turn into a house wife outside of school though: no motivation, no tension when I want it, only when I'm upset and angry.  It may be a commitment I made earlier this year, but it also may be living in Arlington.  You know who's in charge. 

I wouldn't want to name any names.  I mean it's just life, right. 

The search for a job is discouraging.  Indeed has a lot of different unique jobs, but you have to have a lot of power to match them if you are searching for a job, otherwise, you get easily discouraged. 

It's like having a physical sensation of burning, itching, and general uncomfortableness.  Like someone's touching my neck, my body, with a feather.  I don't know if this is a real disorder or not, but it's extremely uncomfortable and it happens only when I'm done with a looking at one job and searching for another.  Like I don't fit in my skin. 

Watching some FOX, The Last Man on Earth Finale, and Bob's Burgers really helped. 

There's that.  And there's my obsessive perfectionism, and my commitment to DUMB goals. 

I feel like I have to apply to Every job, or it doesn't count (?).  I won't get a job because they know I'm skipping.  Or I've skipped one, it will come up and annoy me later.  Which is never does. 

Then there's the idea that I should just call or go to the places in person.  Not a terrible idea, but energy and time consuming (which online is just as much.)  All these doubts crop up.  How to you get to offices which need receptionists. 

I don't have a specialty.  I can go through my resume again.  Childcare and Secretary.  For some reason I'm afraid to use these.  I go through panic just writing them.  There's an actual fear of a job: Ergophobia.  Maybe I have that. 

Maybe I just have all this email that I haven't gotten to and I need to check and go through my messages.  Not always easy when you're used to someone else doing it for you.  I have that email sorter.  But the junk mail is what gets you. 

Maybe my "friends" think I don't deserve a job.  I'm too irrational, uptight, erratic, unstable.  That's the cure for instability, a job.  Duh.  It's trying to be this housewife is what is the problem.  I have so many examples of great housewives and I think it's a noble calling, but I want to get a job so I can support myself and my husband and we can have some left over for the church and the kid's college education. 

Childcare and Secretary. 

Getting a job

I get naked for the
Job Examination
and I find
Outside of my clothes
My sister abusing them. 
Abusing me. 
I know she feels good
Abusing me, like a child feels good
Pushing her fingers into the flesh
Bruising overripe fruit
She gets a kick out of it.
She has my dad backing her. 

I can't take off my clothes or
she will attack me.
I can't morph
to the next level
I can't shed my cocoon
or I will be destroyed. 

Angry Hateful Day (Don't Read Me)

I woke up late from bed.  A new record, 7 pm. 

And I watched some Whiz and some Hilary Duff romantic holiday movie. 

Tried to apply.  But I'm unreasonably angry, and by this I mean that there's no discernable reason for me to be angry, but I am.  And it's not like focused, it's like this ball hiding behind me, hitting me over the head telling me that I'm worthless. 

What do you do with unreasonable anger.  Surely there's a source.  I think it's someone's spirit that's bugging me.  Probably the usual suspects. 

Maybe it's my dad.  He put these spiritual side things on me.  I'm not sure what all parts of my body is affected.  I do know that I get itchier and feel like theres a wad of pollen sitting on my nose and I can't breath.  I don't want him to do things "for me" (for him)  anymore.  He's sucking out my goodness and I'll be left with whatever he pretends I am.  A sad lazy girl.  I HATE him.  HATE him.  I don't know how to deal with it, since he is on my body I end up hating myself. 

He wants to take whatever is functional and positive out of me and use it for himself.  Can't he just leave things alone.  It's not like I'm famous or especially awesome or something.  I have a few spiritual gifts but they are waning as his attachments suck the life out of me.  I hate everything.  I miss Bryan, Derek, and Everyone Else, you guys know who  you are.  or maybe you don't. 

Restedness, Chaos, and Equilibrium

I think a that I have no lack of opportunity, but I do have a lack of motivation.  or restedness.  or sheets, as I like to call it.  They don't have blank material to work with.  Some people may blame grit, saying that the grit is the opposite of blankness, the antithesis, to say.  However, the grit helps the sheet available to be separated into chunks and then into sections and then into lines and shapes.  I think of grit as helping you work with the blank material. Traction on a rock wall with a cliff face with several hundred feet between you and the canyon floor. 

Not that I've ever been really rock climbing.  Once in high school, the rock gym.  Much too fat now.  If I fell, I might kill someone. 

Soreness....leads to strength.  Do I even want to be strong?  Complications. 

Deadness leads to numbness, so try

Everytime I come upon this problem.  What is to rest?  God rested when he still had man to save on the cross. But it was enough because He had set other things in motion.  He had created man.   He knew Jesus would save man and He rested because of the things He had created. 

Resting is to cease from doing.  All our trying may be making chaos, we must limit ourselves to achieve real rest.  Even better, have someone else limit us.  If we do not submit to these limitations, we will become sick or worse.  Every move will be a painful one.   We will be stuck in the chaos without any real equilibrium. 

Interviews and Late Nights

I just had an interview with The Office of Student Accounts.  It was a call center position.  The whole time I felt I wouldn't get it, but I think that was a balance to my eternal optimism.  I hope I get it, but at the same time, I'd like to have some down time to my schedule.  Six classes, my friend, six classes. 

a week later....

Turns out I didn't get the interview.  They must have thought my background check spotless, worthless, meaningless.  I don't know why people do what they do.  I consider this a personal tragedy.  I love that I actually got three interviews, with three different jobs on campus. 

I'm kind of thinking I may just want to quit school and get a full time job here in Arlington.  So I put a challenge to myself.  6 weeks to try to get a full-time job here in Arlington, and if not I'll just go to school as planned.  I am so unmotivated to search for a job.  It is draining like a sinus infection after some antibiotics.  It's stressful and complicated.  I lack serious people skills.  I feel like a dry gingerbread cookie, crumbly and stretched. 

I'm trying to work up the courage.  But I feel drained from a all night selffocused job searching frenzy.  I was looking up jobs I wanted regardless of location.  It was really enlightening and a great experience overall.  I took it too far though.  I lost my essential energy. 

Hard to get started from that. 

In which I Panic

I'm already inwardly panicking about the interview.