Ruminations and Poetry

So depressed.  I needed some development beyond what I was earlier this evening.

This is a short term job finding gig.  It's for myself, I promised myself that I would.  It's really because I think this person I like would rather me not go back to school, but get a full time job.  Which is practical.  Stupid to do things for people you like, am I right?  It's not like a long-term relationship, where we've actually talked about it.  

I made the commitment to search for a full time job for the six weeks prior to school starting.  Is that shallow.  Maybe I should make the commitment to quit school for good.  I turn into a house wife outside of school though: no motivation, no tension when I want it, only when I'm upset and angry.  It may be a commitment I made earlier this year, but it also may be living in Arlington.  You know who's in charge. 

I wouldn't want to name any names.  I mean it's just life, right. 

The search for a job is discouraging.  Indeed has a lot of different unique jobs, but you have to have a lot of power to match them if you are searching for a job, otherwise, you get easily discouraged. 

It's like having a physical sensation of burning, itching, and general uncomfortableness.  Like someone's touching my neck, my body, with a feather.  I don't know if this is a real disorder or not, but it's extremely uncomfortable and it happens only when I'm done with a looking at one job and searching for another.  Like I don't fit in my skin. 

Watching some FOX, The Last Man on Earth Finale, and Bob's Burgers really helped. 

There's that.  And there's my obsessive perfectionism, and my commitment to DUMB goals. 

I feel like I have to apply to Every job, or it doesn't count (?).  I won't get a job because they know I'm skipping.  Or I've skipped one, it will come up and annoy me later.  Which is never does. 

Then there's the idea that I should just call or go to the places in person.  Not a terrible idea, but energy and time consuming (which online is just as much.)  All these doubts crop up.  How to you get to offices which need receptionists. 

I don't have a specialty.  I can go through my resume again.  Childcare and Secretary.  For some reason I'm afraid to use these.  I go through panic just writing them.  There's an actual fear of a job: Ergophobia.  Maybe I have that. 

Maybe I just have all this email that I haven't gotten to and I need to check and go through my messages.  Not always easy when you're used to someone else doing it for you.  I have that email sorter.  But the junk mail is what gets you. 

Maybe my "friends" think I don't deserve a job.  I'm too irrational, uptight, erratic, unstable.  That's the cure for instability, a job.  Duh.  It's trying to be this housewife is what is the problem.  I have so many examples of great housewives and I think it's a noble calling, but I want to get a job so I can support myself and my husband and we can have some left over for the church and the kid's college education. 

Childcare and Secretary. 

Getting a job

I get naked for the
Job Examination
and I find
Outside of my clothes
My sister abusing them. 
Abusing me. 
I know she feels good
Abusing me, like a child feels good
Pushing her fingers into the flesh
Bruising overripe fruit
She gets a kick out of it.
She has my dad backing her. 

I can't take off my clothes or
she will attack me.
I can't morph
to the next level
I can't shed my cocoon
or I will be destroyed.