Accidental Jesus Rant

I got up supra early this morning.  My previous self would be so jealous of me right now!

5am.  

That's how early.

Enjoying the Lord Jesus.

I think I come on to blogger and complain about things for two reasons: one; to prove that I'm a person with conflict and two, to hide the good things inside of me and never let them out.  To save and savor them, keep them a secret between me and Jesus, when it turns out I'm not helping other people.

Witness Lee always says we are great lovers of God until it comes to other people.  Then we get exposed.   I am exposed in my writing because there are other people involved other than just me.  I really appreciate the dealings of conscience that I get.  There's not just my conflict: there's other people and their conflicts.

I just have to sacrifice what I don't want to sacrifice if I want to keep writing this blog, and I really do.  Before, in 2005, I had no readers, so it didn't matter, but the Lord has actually blessed me with readers, so I must consider their thoughts and intentions.

I wanted to share that with you because I care about ya'll and I want you to know I'm thinking about you when I write.  So I shall write on, and on shall I write!

Old Job Places

I am scouting out all my old job places that I've worked before, trying to get a job there, because I know they are all good places to work.  I used to work at Subway, Kroger and Chuck E. Cheese, all places within walking distance.

I've had really low self-esteem lately about getting a job, lately.  My mom has been putting off taking me places, and it's difficult to get out of the house and up in the morning.  I think my mom wants me to wait until the holidays are over to look for a job, and I feel like I can't wait.  She is probably right, though, I should just take a breather.

Took a stand today, to go to the strip mall in Pantego, near my house.  I woke up late and was angry about that, then I took the dog for a long walk, which I felt she needed.  I wasn't sure I would get out again, but I did and everything was worth it.

Life comes at you fast, but if you are ready, you can catch and pass.

Can't Write Anymore

Having weird flashbacks to when I first dropped out of school at Texas State.  For those of you who don't remember I did that Fall 2005.  What would have been my junior year.  Also, when I flunked a Psychology class at UTA by not going. That was one of my forever Senior years.    I still don't remember much of what happened that semester.

I'm up and I'm not at school.  I'm wishing I could go back to bed and turn off the world, but not today, folks.  Today I'm writing a blog. 

Here it is, ladies.  How I escaped my mental anguish by stuffing my emotions into words and getting a job in writing.  That's the thing. I don't know if I can write anymore.  Writing breaks.  It's like childhood.  You write and you think you have something and it's not, it's not a glorious diamond that you've unearthed, it's your dog's drooly half-eaten tennis ball that you've found buried under the shed.  And you think, Aw god, if only I had this experience or that person in my life, everything would change.   If only I had asked to try out for the tympani drums sophomore year in high school that I had spent all night practicing for, things would be different.  If only I were braver.  Well, this is how it is.  You are broken.  Hacked.  Desiccated.  A husk. 

Write on. 

Incognito

I have batman stats. 

I feel very dangerous lately.  Like I'm on the edge of something. 

Here we are.

So I'm here and it's 1:13pm.  I've been up since sun up, another all nighter/morning flip. 

Things are good.  I've taken care of myself, my dog, but I feel like my mom is not doing to well.  How much she'll let me help on that, I really don't know, but I feel like I should do something.  She never tells me her dreams anymore, just the one about moving and getting "some land."  She got her Bachelor's degree in English.  I don't know why she doesn't use that to get a either higher-paying or more fulfilling job. Otherwise, she seems like her needs are fulfilled. 

So that settles back to the valley which is me.  What to do with three hours and 33 minutes. 

Get a job.  I can't get one.  With the medication I'm on, I'm not going to get a job any time soon.  I know we are running out of money.  My SS pays little.  I'm lazy, but I'm just not sure where to start. 

Do you search online or in person? Both?  Neither?  Do you absorb a job through osmosis?  WTF, why is it so complicated?  'Why are the doves so noisy.  Don't they have anything better to do when I'm stressing over what to do.  All they do is eat (messily, I might add) and poop and make noises and make babies.  They live in that cage for their whole life, which isn't very long.  They don't have a job. 

Doves don't have a job, dog's don't have a job, Mother does have a job.  It consumes every waking minute even though it is a mere secretarial job.  I guess that is because it is with the government and the government eats souls alive. 







I often feel like I have to make a job perfect.  I have to have the right "feel."  Be there for someone.  Some cause.  I ignore all this pansy hogwash and say get an entry level job.  Something you don't have to lie on your resume about.  I have thought of lying on my resume.  

then there's this guy who went out to get rejected.  Rejection Therapy was born. I could not lie and just get rejected by employers, since I'm not qualified enough to work at the jobs I've been seeing. 

Then I think... this is cute and all, but I'm wasting my time.  I have to get a job now.  

Maybe that's the voice I should tell to shut up.  ok.  Wasted 18 minutes coming to this conclusion instead of poring over job sites.  I'd say I'd gotten a lot of rejection today: Facebook.  Just spiritually from different sources.  2 more minutes making those last two sentences.  I think our enemy may be time.  If I could just ignore time, unlimited productivity.  (How many businessmen have said that and died on reentry.)  Maybe not ignore time, but lasso it, harness it's energy and unbridled enthusiasm for continuing.  Without mass, there is no time.  *brain explosion*  

Every single time I come up with my I have to admit, slightly fun methods of job search, the Mad Hatter brings up the topic of time.

I'm serious, but compiling endless job adverts in a large black notebook haven't helped. 

For my first job I went to a job fair.  My next four jobs I went to the place where they were and asked for an application, filled it out there and got the job.  Then another school job.  Then I filled out an application online, that was Babies R' Us.  Then one job off craigslist.  I hope they didn't think I was going to sell them any weed.  Because I wasn't.  My last job, I got from a hiring agency.  It was pretty much the most awesome by far. 

Four walkins, two school jobs, Babies R' Us, craigslist and a hiring agency. 

And yet I go.,..

I finally got a job interview!  I have it at one today.  I feel sick, weak, and shaky, though.  I don't know how much of that is interview stress and how much is other stress.  I'm nervous, even though I don't care if I get the job or not, which is long story. 

I worked at Babies R' Us in 2009.  I had a great time, I was learning new things, and I felt like I had a great job.  The first day I had some money stolen out of my bag, and there was another clerk who was really nice, but I didn't see her very much after that.  The thing is we are supposed to ask if they want to buy batteries and if we don't do that...we have to give them a free gift card.  I forgot several times.  And so the day came where I didn't want to go into work at all.  And so it was spoken and so it was that I did not go in. I did call first to tell them.  And I went back to school and that was the end of that. 

Why would I apply again?  I think it was part desperation, part really hoping things there had changed. They have a lot of turnover of employees.  I don't know if that means they are good at building people up or they are lousy at it.  I feel like I have three months to get my act together, then it's curtains for me at that job. 

I calculated that would be about a $1500 for three months.  I can pay off some debt I have on my unsubsidized loans.  First thing to worry about.  And in the meantime look for another job, either at Toy's "R" Us or moving on up the ladder at Babies. 

I know I'm a wreckage of a human being, but even undead skeletons need to eat souls.I don't take the way of someone else, but my own way.  This is a hard path to travel.  I can be wrong, really wrong at times.  I probably don't even deserve a job.  Even a weak one like this one. I'm crumbling into dust as I write this. 

And yet I go...

My dog is evil.

I lay down next to her and snuggle her, then pick at her ear bump, which is a tumor or just one of those weird things that happen to dogs that is benign.  She hates me so she makes a set of my back muscles twitch like they would if some demon had pinched them.  Little devil dog.  (I think she always defends me so has gotten a god complex.) 

So I'm trying to figure out this job thing.  I searched for "help getting jobs in Arlington, TX"  A couple of bum and ex inmate sites were in the search results, but nothing helping regular people get a job.  I guess regular people don't need help.  Yet I need help. 

I haven't been applying as regularly as I should so that is something.  I should apply to at least 5 jobs per day.   Indeed seems kind of legit, but high intensity.  The other jobs sites, Simplyhired and Monster don't really have very many job leads.  I'm blaming that on the fact that Arlington doesn't have very many jobs. 

I figured out that I'm a freeloading bum, and I need to get a job like the rest of the people around here. 

So I'm not Bachelor degreed or skilled. I can walk dogs, clean and cook, and type 45 wpm.  I am also CPR and First Aid Certified. 

I'm not brave enough to face the day or my neighbors.  I have this beautiful free dog walking flyer. I don't have anything better to do than gain experience.  In the daylight I turn into this home abiding sun-shunning vampire (apart from the daily dog walk).  It really just sucks.   I'm like the mud creature who feels safe at dark, but who's skin is burned by the new light of day.

My sleep schedule doesn't help.  Sleeping to ridiculous hours of the afternoon. 

So I've decided that I'm a bum, or Gollum, which ever comes first in the dictionary and either way, I need to get a job like normal people have. 

Going with the trend.  I think I need to find a job I feel like I can pawn in. 

Looking through my categories of jobs I'm qualified for I think I can pawn in customer service and call center jobs.  They have always been placed in the "Boring" category in my head, so maybe I need to see if they are boring or not. 

I have applied at Care.com.  I found several potential jobs from there.  I was able to get a great job at the Bambino Palace, but that was cut short quickly.  I think they have a lot of different jobs, a lot of turnover.  So we are hoping that one of the jobs I apply to goes through. 

LAZY

I feel bad when I start looking for a job.  Like, creepy.  Like I'm a creep for even thinking about considering getting a job.  So I've been hedging around it for a month.  Am I a creep?  I don't want this.

I feel like I want to do what I don't want to do.  Which is the definition of work, amrite? But I don't want to be creepy. 

I guess the truth is I want help for me without me doing any work. This is hard for me to admit. You guys better appreciate my labor, baring my soul.  I am lazy.  I still think of lazy as an emotion.  But it is an action or more precisely, a non action.   

I can see myself from above, and I don't like the way I'm going.  I'm getting more arrogant, more lazy, more self-entitled. 

I see myself as very timid, because of the way I approach my looking for work.  Baby steps, when employers want manly, 7-leauge boots steps. 

Ok, I looked it up, L-A-Z-Y could be an emotion or a will.  Definitely an adjective.  Example: I feel lazy.  I prefer to think of it as a spiritual condition.  A spiritual malady, if you will.  A sick will. 

The cure to most spiritual maladies is love.  I need more love.  Instead of PokemonGO, i need LoveGO.  Or a spiritual seeing eye dog.  I already have one of those.  She's more than a therapy dog, she's a GD German Shepherd of my Soul. 

I don't want to be lazy - this is a sign of getting better.  I don't want anyone to get high hopes or depend on me, though.  I'm not out of the woods yet. 

I need like a Jesus to explain to me all the things I've ever done, like the Samaritan woman at the well.  Explain the house, explain the couch.  Explain my body and my head.  Explain what to do for my mom, explain the dog, the birds.  Explain my impending sense of doom.  Explain my laziness.  Explain why whenever I want to get a job, I feel I should look for the love first and then don't know how and quickly dismiss it and go about it with the regular organizational methods. 

Why my body gets so tired and why I feel like a fixture in my neighborhood.  (Probably because of walking the dog so much.)     Why I feel so stinky , probably because I didn't take a shower yesterday (I was sleeping) and because I lied about fasting for a blood test; I ate two pieces of bread and a pickle around midnight, so I'm hoping it doesn't count. 

Keeping Promises, Keeping the word, Even when it's twisted against you.

I kind of promised this friend that I wouldn't make lists, and I've been making a lot of them.  Not just your average todo lists, no, I'm talking about elaborately sorted things to do in the morning, afternoon and evening.  Things to warm up to other things, but since I sleep in, most of the really hard important stuff doesn't get done. 

So this promise was made a long time ago, and I sort of thought it was a time-delimited promise, but he keeps telling me that I shouldn't make lists.  And I've been feeling bad about it and yet I know he's probably right. 

My argument is that I'll never get anything done.  Some people would say "So?  It's not important for you to get anything done." (Here's where it divides.)  one group says, "God is the one who needs to get things done," and the other group says "You're a failure, you failed and so you don't deserve to get anything done."

His argument is "Sacrifice."  Another God thing that I'll probably never understand. 

Listening to these people is surely death.  Death by the cross or death by depression.  I haven't figured out the cross bit, yet, but I know I don't want to die by depression.  I feel buried in this house.  I've only left by going shopping for clothes yesterday. 

So I'm dying in a house.  I can't make lists (or schedules) or my conscience offends me and I can't seem to stick with a routine.

I can clean and cook, walk dogs, type 45 wpm, and am certified in CPR and First Aid. 

Ramblations. I love you.

(Feeling miserable that I don't have the words for this.)

I was feeling the burn trying to find a real job in Arlington.  Ok, I was working kind a hard, and trying to "discover" myself a long the way.  It's a kid thing I never grew out of.  

Not as hard as I should have, trying to find a day job.  

When all a sudden I had an epiphany.  I would work at home.  That way I could sidestep my inability to get along with other people, and how to change in the right way and how to be perfect.... my inner perfectionist comes out and yells at me, as far as jobs are concerned.  

And I can't see how this is terrible.  This stepping down to let others take the "better" (i.e. more challenging, i.e. unfun jobs).  Isn't a job by very definition, unfun?  

I have all these paranoid, schizophrenic ideas about jobs.  That they are sending secret messages to people through their job postings and I have to have all these super abundant spiritual gifts.  I don't,and I'm not even confident.  I have lost my self confidence.  And it is very upsetting that I didn't really get anything out of it.  

I'm starting to complain a whole lot more.  I think that's an old woman thing.  Goes with the house.  

So i had this epiphany.  I could work at home!  Woot Woot!  I live at home, I enjoy at home, I suffer at home.  Why not add work to the occasion.  

It was brilliant, until my paranoia kicked in. 

1.)  I'm lost my self-confidence. (And my ability to proper grammar.)

2.)  I'm afraid of being depressed.  Have you seen the tongue depressor?  It's sorta like that for your entire body.  

3.)  I don't know how to organize the search.  If anyone gets lost in the woods, please don't ask me to organize the search.  There's just so much out there.  Freelancing, Mom's who work at home.  Companies who hire people to stalk Googlers.  There's just so much.  

I guess I'm just the reaper of what other people have sown like in the Bible.  Reaping's not fun man. There's this huge sickle and you have to swish it just right, no, just no.  I cannot even.  I don't feel justified in swishing my golden sickle over all the work at home jobs.  Also, I seriously need a boyfriend.  If I'm ever going to family, this has got to happen soon.   It's like I'm pruning  in the sun, and I gotta get some of this baby juice out before I dry up completely.  

I'm not going to RP it thank you very much.  I do fear becoming an irresponsible parent sans husband.  Healthy fear?  Well, you never know.  

The thing is we kinda need the capital, but we kind a don't need the capital.  Because my mom works full time, she has enough to pay for the house the car, and the electricity.  She uses my small SS check to buy groceries for me, and fast food for me.   And that's it.  I have $200 in the bank for emergencies.  

So what would the capital be used forwith?  I would not build a wall.  There's already one like it in China, Doesn't work, didn't you see Mulan?  I think it would become like the Berlin wall and rebound and Mexico and the United States would become one.  Which is my main argument for Trump and his wall.  But no one believes anything he says.  But it's said, you know.  

So I would use it on, 1. Paying Back My Debt.  2.  Tithe  3.  Clothes  4.  Puppy  

That's all I got so far.  I have mountains of debt.  I'll never get enough capital to pay off my debt. Maybe I shouldn't tithe.  Clothes.  I need clothes. It's a reasonable expense,  I would buy snacks and maybe classes for my dog.  Paper and ink for my printer.  waste of a feel good time.  Gifts.  I'm a big believer in gifts for others, when I think of taking care of them that way.  So really just Debt and Miscellaneous and Clothes.  A lot of Debt.  

The problem is, I turned to these notebooks, and I feel like I can act like a child in my private life and it won't affect my work life.  Now the two are overlapping and I'm seeing what an idiot I am.  

Not fun.  On the bright side I can't really stick to a schedule, I can't stop drinking coffee for whatever reason, and I can't keep normal sleeping hours.  So I'm all good.  

On the real bright side.  I've been practicing my typing and I think I'm getting really good at it.  Maybe 50 wpm.  Probably only 45 wpm.  Still I've been doing this everyday.   Also been showering, ( Honestly, I hate showering) doing dishes and walking the dog, almost every day.  

So I'm stuck with some debt.  I can type 45 wpm, clean house and walk dogs.  

FOJB (Fresh Off the Job Boat)

So I'm here and it's Sunday, the day of rest according to so many Americans.  And I'm guilty of moving, much less hashing out my job situation.  Yay, guilt!  But really, if you want to keep the Sabbeth, it's on Saturday. 

And it's an Old Testament law, which no one follows anymore, except don't murder and don't steal. 

I think the Sabbeth rest is whenever you finish your work really, before you present it to others.  Work then rest and then things will become clear. 


So I'm freshly fired. 

I feel like I have a raw and bleeding soul in regards to childcare.  I fell in love with my babies at the Bambino Palace and I couldn't bear the thought of letting any others into my heart.  I became really attached to those little guys and found myself changing diapers for the first time, and feeding babies, wiping googly milk faces.  It all was a whirlwind of sweet babyness. 

I'd like to move on though, and although it's too early for childcare, maybe there's another type of job out there for me. 

Job Wisdom

Once someone does something to keep a family together, they are responsible forever for that togetherness that the family depends on, no matter how lightly they take the act and expect payment for, they are considered that family's god and they should treat their act as an act of a god, insteads of a coincidence. 

So how did I get this job in the first place?  I was several things you can't plan. 

1.  Being the right person in the right place in the right time. 
2.  Brimming with confidence. 
3.  The desire of fuck you.
4.  A mindless drone doing the will of my master. 
5.  I was prepared for the unexpected
6.  My mom, who is my family, was ready to support me.
7.  I was in the "zone," i.e. nothing could touch me. 

Getting hired is not the same as having a job.

I think a job is spiritual and mental, as much as physical.  An athlete, a marathoners has to plan to run for a very long time, thus he's not spending any extra energy on strival things like bursting ahead at the starting line.  He knows his limits and his energy burning capacity.  Compared to something like being an infant teacher, she must know the developmental needs of the infants and her effect on them to pace the student and herself, that neither of them would develop a "learning cramp"  and get stuck behind.  That they each would have the energy to finish the race. 

I write, but I have no clue what I'm talking about.  I only vaugly dipped my bread into the green, smooth olive oil which is pacing yourself. I'm a sprinter in nature.  Love me some shiftgig.  

Please readers, those who have been at a job for more than 2-5 years, share some of your experiences.

The desire to get a job is not having a job. 

These two things had me confused for a long time.  I thought if I wanted this schedule of going to a place and doing what I was asked to, I would have a job.  This is not the case.  In many cases, the job has you. 

Having a job is not the same as wanting a job.

So I got a job.  It was an infant caretaker at Montessori Bambino Palace on Mayfield in Arlington, TX for almost three weeks. 

There were four brilliant little people under my charge. 

I got fired.  I think it was because I called CPS on this one family whose child showed bruises.  They said it was because I didn't change diapers at the end of the day and that I didn't stop all the kids from crying at once, which was practically impossible, but I believe it was because of the kid. 

He showed a huge bruise on his lower back and when I talked to the social worker it seemed as if they have had another case called against them because they wouldn't take their child to the doctor.

I am so bummed and discouraged right now.  If anyone wants to cheer me up, please do. 

Job Getting

I'm thinking a lot about getting a job. 

I want to lie on my resume and whatnot.  But that seems really dumb. 

I want to wait for a job to fall into my lap, because of my good works and hobnobbing, but that seems really dumb, too.

Both of them seem like they would make really good stories, but people (I) can't be a character in her own story.  I have to go out not knowing.  Plan without planning. 

I feel like there should be some advice on getting a job.

Like....

Spend a lot of time self improving. 

Look for connections around places you like to hang out. 

Follow your loves:  Puppies, Books, and Rights for all. 

Update

1. Embrace your physical appearance.

I was going to say, yes, I have embraced my appearance.  Then I realized I was fat and had weird hair and had acne and funky glasses.  But most of the time, I embrace my appearance, so I've been accepting myself for who I am.   A nice place to be. 

2. Take control of your health. 

Today I didn't have coffee, if you could call 6pm to 12pm a day.  I actually made coffee.  and then didn't drink it.  I thought about my dog and how much I loved her and how cute she was being and I was inspired to make a change.  So yay!  Gave up coffee for a day! 

My sleep schedule is a mess though.  I'm thinking about going to my room and sleeping, now at 2:20 pm, so I can get up later in the morning.  Maybe my sleeping in is a rebellion of sorts.  I can't control it one way, I control it another way.  Sleep in extra.  It really makes me furious.   Why isn't my schedule normal like everyone else's.   I get all wired and can't sleep, or sleep like a ginormous Koala, the sleepiest animal in the animal kingdom. 

My ideal schedule would be from 10pm to 7am.   That's exactly 10 hours, so koala girl can get her sleep on, regardless of the 8 hour rule.  

Going to sleep now, even though, I've just slept like an entire day. 


Day 3.  I look in the mirror this afternoon and I see ugliness.  I slept til 1, didn't get up to cancel my appointment which my mom couldn't make, and just lay there thirty minutes before I got up because everything was too....intense.   I just couldn't deal.  Life was too huge.  And I looked in the mirror and saw ugliness. 

The truth is, I don't know if I should be doing this blog, because I feel like life doesn't need a narrator and sometimes narration itself hinders the story unfolding.  But it does keep me on track and focused.   So if I suddenly disappear, that's what happened to me. Life got in the way. 

Some people say ugliness is not accepting yourself.  I think this must be true.  This morning I couldn't accept that I was not able to get up earlier and judged myself on this.  I was judging everything!  I even half-sleepily judged my mom for not being able to get off work earlier to drop me off at my hair appointment, but still had time to mow the grass.  Maybe Ugliness is just judging, itself. 

I couldn't hug my ugliness today, but I will give it some thought on Ninja and my walk.  Do I judge?  Am I judging?  What is it to forgive? 

As for taking charge of my health, I didn't drink coffee yesterday, or today.  Yes!  It's great to feel like you are taking the right steps.  I brushed my teeth last night.  I think I remember not washing my face, although I can't remember why. 

Find a personal mantra.  I have one.  And I've been using it.  Things are good. 

Get a hobby.   I believe mine is beading/jewelry making at least for now.  I've been spending my time trying to find these Scoubidou, or hollow plastic lacing. I got one package that was not hollow and have ordered to others that look promising to make a button ring.  Ordered some huge wooden buttons that I can paint and have big holes.  We will see if they work with the Scoubidou. 

Figure out how to destress Guided imagery.  I will try that.  I think it's like books on tape or something. 

Self Improvement, Baby Steps

Ok is there some sort of natural law that means you can't plan things for yourself?  Because I feel like that's what's been happening to me lately.  And by lately I mean the past 31 years.  I keep trying and trying and it's just a mess.  I want to give someone my plans and have them make me do them.  I think that's called a long-term relationship.   Except I can't plan myself into one, because I can't plan anything!  I guess it's called "ask someone."  The only person I see regularly is my mom and I think it's weird to ask your mom to help you find a LTR.  And he has to beat all my previous boyfriends, like in Scott Pilgrim Versus the World.  I'm not saying this for me, but I will feel like I lesser being if we had to submit to some ex. 

So the whole planning thing, I was planning to follow advice in my thirties, only to find that I cannot.  I am a mess and cannot hold a spoon.  My muscle skills are fading.  I feel like I have the start of Parkinson's.  I run into things. 

Ok, so I'm exaggerating a little, but it does feel like I have to work extra hard to type. 

Back to planning.  How should I do this?  Take one thing and work on it?  One subheading under one category a day?  I have a lot to self-explore.  And someone recommended that I should just be.   Square one isn't where I want to start, but if I don't I know I'll be in trouble in the future.  Being is just so ambiguous.  From "10 Tips for Loving Life (and Yourself) in Your 30s, by Raluca State in Huffpost Women, the First tip is 1. Embrace your physical appearance.
This is great and I have embraced it.  Lately though, I've been really weird about my clothes.  They exhaust me.  Maybe I can explore that and I have been using Proactiv.  I haven't been keeping up with it though.  Start from the beginning.  Make some habits, keep them. 

I'm usually pretty chill about what I look like, but I also keep to myself.  I don't have anyone making fun of me on a regular basis.  My mom occasionally makes comments if my jeans are especially butt crack prone or my hair.  But it doesn't really garner any great change.  I look for jeans that fit me, but I have a weird body shape. 

2. Take control of your health. 

I drink too much coffee.  I take too much pills.   But be.  So maybe I can habitually stop this.  Stock the fridge with sodas and other special drinks.  so I won't be tempted to drink coffee.  No coffee.  As for the pills, I'm scared.  I'm really scared to ask and then get rejected and then to assert my rights as a consumer to refuse treatment, because I have my mom and Dr. A to deal with.  I want to get off the pills, but be stable, as well.  I don't want to go crazy.  Which is the atmosphere my mom presents when I come home telling her I'm off something.  She starts this "I think you aren't thinking properly.  You really need the medication.:"  in her robot voice.   

It's weird how much health is an emotional issue. 

Sleep determines how healthy we are.  I'll have to implement that Top 10 Ways to Get a Good Night's Sleep, by Mark Stibich.

1.  Only Sleep and Have Sex in the Bedroom

2.  Keep a Schedule

3.  Make a Bedtime Ritual

4.  Exercise Daily

5.  Get Some Sunlight

6.  Avoid Caffeine in the Afternoon

7.  Make Your Bedroom Dark

8.  Avoid Alcohol

9.  Don't Smoke

10.  See a Doctor

Exercise:  This has to do with both physical appearance and health.  I think two is fine for now.  Baby Steps. 

Going "Rouge"

I have gone rouge.  Almost. 

And I am dammit mad!  And sad.  And Mixed up. 

I just dropped my classes at UTA.  This means that I'm kind of going crazy?  Or stopping going to someplace before I go crazy?  All I know is that I'm going to go through a lot of dirt before I come out the other end.  Ten more years of pain and suffering, right?  That's the cost of quitting a semester?    Ok, this is me getting angry and sad and crazy. 

My mom is acting really weird.  Like the opposite of uptight but with the same results as being uptight. 

On the other end, if I focus all my pain and rage and whathaveyou into getting a job, then I might have a chance of making something of myself. 

And I'm going to do things differently than I have done them before.  I'm going to lie.  I'm doing this to see if anyone can get a job in this economy.  (Oh, but I'm not going to take the jobs I'm unqualified for...I'm really bad about pretending, I'm just OCD.)  Obama taught us to never talk about jobs.  I can't, not talk about it.  I think my kids are in there, saying "Go mom, experiment with jobs, have fun!"  And I really want to listen to them. 

Eternal: The first thing I'm doing is gathering all the internet advice about people in their thirties.  Everyone has advice for school age children, teenagers, especially, and college students.  At the most important time in our lives when we don't have educational system to back you up, what then?  Are we air?  Do we matter?  Is there things we need to be doing?  I'll explore all these topics and more.  I give myself two weeks to research and edit, and 6 weeks to implement.  This is all - I hate to label it - Self Development, which I do not need.  I need to let go.  But everyone has rules in their lives and I have some, but

Make a schedule.  Keep it.  I give this two weeks

Past: Then I'm going to hit up my past career places, see what I have done with my life so far.  Check out my resume, play with it.  Connect the threads of education/career/volunteering to see what comes out5 weeks

Present: Set aside some money to buy a suit, cab fares, airline tickets.  Get some counseling, I have a feeling I will need it.  Indeed or three pages of job searching. 

Future: Take that obedience course, CPR course, self improvement from the ads Lie like horizontal. 

What will mess me up:  Depression, overblown mistakes, fear, God.  God's a big one.  I'm not an atheist or I wouldn't be talking about God.  but I feel like I tried to serve Him the wrong way and got burned up.  So now if He wants to contact me, I'll let Him, but I'll always be wary of those eyes. 

So be looking for updates, I'm sorry this is such a mess, but I can't really keep it together as much as I want to right now. 

Job Offer

Someone offered me a job.  WHAT?  A mere month after promising not to do anything whatsoever to get money, and to work only if someone offered me a job, here it is. 

Yep, the guy on Guru offered me a job.  I don't know what it is.  

The point is that it does happen.  Life's so weird. 

Community Building

The Headings are from Massive Sway Powered by The SITS Girls - 4 Ways to Create Community on Your Blog in 2013 - The Text is Original Commentation by Me

Read And Comment Often

This means in conversation that you should listen.  People don't listen in conversations, they simply feel.  Well, get a feel for the person, but don't use that to define them. Feelings are fluctuating and changing.  For dealing with people shallowly, in a disinterested basis, you can use your feelings.  If you want to get to know someone in more than a shallow level, you should not go by just your feelings, but what you hear from them.  This is a more timely and accurate way of deeply connecting with someone.

Make sure your comments are heuristic which means letting people discover for themselves, and in theory meaning that there is lots of theory which can be postulated and created from the comment itself.   So in essence your comments should lead to self discovery, and not be blatant obvious and blunt, though there is a place for that type of speech.

Love, Care and Share

You should love your friends and your enemies and God when you find Him.  Caring about people is as much preparing yourself as actual caring for another person.  Make sure the people are receptive to the love, caring and sharing  You don't want to offend.  This love and caring and sharing takes many forms, so experiment and see what works for you and the other person.  This is a deeper level of communication than  just reading and commenting.  An example of love would be feeling for a person, even if you don't say anything.  An example of care is buying a person a drink or offering them their coat even if it's cold.  If you want to share something, feel free, share something that may touch someone else.

Reciprocate

When someone notices or appreciates you, no matter who they are, notice them.  I know, I know, stay away from creeps.  Most people aren't creepy. If they are they're probably stuck in yellow wallpaper.  People who go out of their way not to notice you, please do the same.  They are probably not worth your time and you don't need to cater to sensitive attitudes who would just abuse your love.  So don't hate, reciprocate.

Connect Outside Of Your Situation

This is for advanced community students.  If  you are comfortable../ too comfortable...you should definitely try to connect outside of your comfort zone.  Life is for the brave so don't keep yourself bound by your circumstances and your small close knit circle of friends.  Embrace change in all it's aspects. In fact, not embracing change makes life more memorable, but don't ruin anyone's parade with it. Take the change as it comes and try not to be too surprised.

Love Versus Money

I'm turning over a new leaf, and I debated about sharing here, secret things being so much easier to keep.  I'm going to stay away from anything that earns me money.  I'm still on disability but now I'm going to have to live off of it and my mom.  This semester I will have a student loan, which I may use. It's a heart matter.

Wish me luck, and thanks for reading my blog!

I Can't Really Write.

I finished it as best I could, but things were a mess.  The Marijuana Business Plan was a bust.

I couldn't do my awesome best and that was killing me every time.

So I just sucked at it.  I didn't get all wordy, I wrote skin and bones for as much of it as I could make up.  I had this Gothic logo that I put on every page.  looking at it was just awful.  Painful.  Skinny.

The logo wasn't the problem.  the problem is that I didn't make it like he wanted it because me, my person and brain are not calibrated to suck up information and energy and turn it into words for someone else.  here, I can do it fine, ti's just for me to shoot the breeze.  But if I'm making it for someone else my wah! cycle starts and I fall down at the proverbial feet of writing, stone, cold, illiterate.  Super sad.  It was a fun experiment and he's going to decide in the morning what to do with me.  Very, Good Job Wesley, I'll most likely kill you in the morning."  But more serious, like I am going to kill you in the morning. I don't want to die.  But I can.  At least I'll do it at home in my bed, surrounded with purple.  Couldn't be that bad, right?

I want to change myself, but I don't know how.   I know that I'm going to probably take a pay cut, but I hope he pays me something, that person I hired looks like they took the money and ran. I'm not sure how that happened, but I'm investigating.  You suck freelancing world, I almost want to organize it some more.  But I have lost faith.

I can't really write.  I can't.

Fluff

2:35 AM

I wake up, churning with possibilities.  Thinking about my family.  And of all things whether I am beautiful or not.  I am not, according to my latest mirror check.  But that's just me.  And the business plan, always the business plan.

So we go to work.  Got to put into place that executive summary and I now have an employee.  Crazy Craze!  (I've been watching too much Ugly Betty.  The gayness is rubbing off on me.)

So here's the work I need done.  Finish the executive business plan,

Here we go again.  I'm like those fainting goats.  Analysis paralysis.  Confession:  It's really my fault for stopping before I should stop and stopping hard and starting over like I've never seen the thing before.  I want to come to it with a fresh eye, but it doesn't stop existing when I turn off my compy.


I plunge.  This what am I going to have my employee do is haunting me.  I gave Hellen a task.  (Hellen?)  She's from Kenya.  I'm crazy about this!  Not crazy about no attachment feature on the guru.com messages.  But copy and paste will do.

It's not like a lot.  Just summarizing some drug info.  Yay!  Drug info.  Anys.

I'm sorry for this post.  It's mostly fluff, if you ask me.

Conundrum and Shoutouts

Ok, I'm stuck again.  I swear, this is my best problem solver, right here.

The thing is I'm trying to make the business plan executive summary.  Not, as commonly directed, last, after I have finished the business plan.  I have a history, description and key selling points, but need more filler.  I think I will add more of the history of pot legalization and describe more of the products we would deliver.  I hope this works, I'm kind of grasping at straws.  I'm not like in love with pot but legalization would solve so many problems.  I wouldn't feel guilty hanging out with pot heads.  It would probably be cool for ten years or so and then either it would be awesome or some detail would come up to overthrow it for the next thing.  I mean, cigarettes are legal and they are addictive.

Want to write an article and suddenly I'm championing pot.  Ridiculous.

Also if I have to champion anyone, it'd be Christ.  He brought me through today miraculously.  My sister, Joanna, is a major priest of God.  

I'd also like to give a shout out to my boi, Bryan Healy.  He kicks major ass when there's something in it.  My nephew is the best.  What a great little goober.  My dad isn't too terrible, when he's done marauding, and my mother is a genius.   My brother and my sister are ok.  I love my freelance "bosses," Alex and Mike.

Failing at Life

There's too many Word pages open!  I'm freaking out!  Hyperventiation.  I've never believed in panic attacks until one day in my Rhetoric class I started to have one.  I hiked to the hallway, got a drink of water from the water fountain, and went back into class.  Now I have a fear of panic attacks.  The fear of Jehovah is the beginning of knowledge and a fountain of  life.   It doesn't bug me much, but if I figure out how to stop it.  You know who you are.

I think I need a break, but know deep down that I don't need one.  It's like my skin needs a break but not my inward parts who could go for eternity.  Life is really dumb.

This nature sounds sounds like someone peeing.

*********************************************************************************

Ok, did the easy part, the cover page and the table of contents, now, I need to create the executive summary.  Not great, not easy.  I'm not even sure what should go in there.  I'm going to use the template from Word, which has some description, the template from Alex, so I know that to put in there.  Be right back.

********************************************************************************

Freaking out.  There's not really anything that my client talked about that puts them above the competition, which is something I'd really like to prove.  There's at least four weed delivery services already in Fresno.

I got a Super distract!  Change of music.  Astro Safari to the max.

Right Now If I focus on on the business plan , I'll be all eclipsical.

Sucks.  I don't really  know what I should research to get a good executive section of a business plan.
Yeah, I'm not getting any inspiration.  Dry as a bone.  It's almost like that section hates me. Weird.

I wonder how long this will last.  2:08pm Thursday.

2 minutes.  I'm playlist surfing.  I know I have enough ink but not the right sheets.

More Business Plan

I'm detoxing.  Mostly on Facebook, which has toxins of it's own, but is good in a pinch if you like Snoop Dog narrating otters chasing crocodiles and Ellen and Jimmy having a lip sync battle with Justin presiding as judge.  It definitely has it's charm.

Talking to him on Skype right now.  Now I know why reporters are looked at as such seasoned die-hards, it's because the more you know about the topic and can get from a lead, the more you can write for them.  I think the writer starves more than other types of artists.  But if you can hide it, make it less noticeable, that starving can become the earrings which compliment the outfit worn by the woman who wrote the story of the century.

My fingers hurt. I got burned. Burned by the steam in the bag of a TV dinner.  Lasagna.  Veggie. Taking it out of the microwave.  Ninja cleans the plastic/paper plate when I'm done. It's not recyclable.

I've got to walk that dog.  I so don't want to.  Don't say it.  Going to.  But in whose energy.  When do they want it back?  In what condition?  This is the first time I've ever analyzed that on paper like that.
In MY energy, for the energy that I've slaved away and sacrificed all day, I'll be using here.  Just kidding.  That would be rebellion.

Ok, guess what?  I told Alex how I felt about maybe not being able to complete the plan and sent him what I have so far. I'm awaiting his response.  I told him I couldn't do it because of my own moral issues.   But you know what?  It was really my families moral issues.  My sister, my dad and my brother.  They heard the word weed and screamed, I won't support you!  So I tried writing without them, and I didn't get anywhere.  Now they are rewarding me (dopamine) for quitting. Good job dad, you raised a quitter. At night, before I take Zyprexa, at 8, my dopamine receptors get more sensitive.  They are blocked out by the Zyprexa at night.  They are more of the blue energy.  Adrenaline is red, and heat causing. Maybe I'm gettting violent because I have no dopamine to stop me.  I knew I would figure it out.

Still going to try to get off lithium first because it caused my hypothyroidism, a minor health issue, for I think that is serious enough to stop taking lithium.  And I hate being dependent on the medication and my mother loves it. She LOVES it.  It's like the one thing she has over me.

And she's home and I'm walking the dog.

Staying Tracted

Ok, I start off thinking that I can do the business plan.  Then, every time I open the Word documents up, I get really sensitive and panic attack, like if I was doing anything on this I would be seriously depressed (too high goals).

Is it possible to have job anxiety?  I again blame social security.  I so want to get off of it so I can get a decent job or own my own freelance business.  And I blame Satan, himself.

 I keep trying to want to make the job more complex or organized and it's not.  It's straight forward as can be.  Just look up the information and plug it in.  I start getting paranoid though.

I've basically broken it down to the marketing part that I'm trying to finish.  Everything else I can fill in later.  I get distracted really easily, so music helps me to concentrate, but also sucks energy, so it's a balance with that.

I'm going to listen to nature sounds to keep me from getting distracted.  (See?  I do this. To make things more complicated than they are.  Like this is a line, that I'm not going to deviate from.  And then I deviate from it!)  Why, God why?  #whitegirlproblems  #writerproblems


Ok, I just panicked.  I have a template that I got from Word, and, of course, it's not modifiable.  It's different from the template he gave me and I can't seem to decide between them.  Which should I choose?  "Neither.  I should take the best out of both of them."  That would be my dad's childish optimistic answer.  Really, I can, but taking my dad's side is short of horrendous.  He's the worst.  I think of really creative ideas and he takes them to use for himself.  And leaves me stuck with neither. This really sucks.  So distracted sufficiently by the dad problem, what should I do?  Pick this pink, has-to-be-modified, maybe-different-than-he-wanted, but graphically-pleasing template?  Make up my own, less graphically-pleasing word-based template based on what he gave me?

Why am I even bothering with the template?  I can't seem to research or write anything worth using?

I need like a life coach.  To cheer me and shout directions from that first base box.

Everyone does.  I have no support for this until I can prove I can do this on my own.  A little counter intuitive, don't you think?   Maybe that's a writing career.  Few friends, many enemies.

Updates on Freelance Work

So I crazily decide not to go to school and so I forgo getting a job on campus.  Later, I thought how stupid this seems, after re-registering to finish in May.  But I realize now that I couldn't have gone to school and have had a job at the same time. Even with four classes, I would be so stressed out.   I still think that losing it was bad juju on the part of the social security administration, of  which I am a patron.  But that juju can be overcome in the right circumstances.

So now I have these two jobs.  One from Guru.com and one from Upwork.com. They are different. one is for a client in Pakistan and another is from a client in California.  Different as night and day.   The client in Pakistan, Mike, is a little tough love, while the client from Cali, Alex, is cool as a cucumber.

Mike had me write a sample article for him and is waiting for me to create more articles for him, about 2-3 per week.  I actually believe I can do this.  But I am worried that I can't.  We will just see. I am not a writing machine.  Alex has me making a marijuana delivery service business plan.   I've covered the marketing section in part.  I'm really stressing about it, because every time I think about writing or working on it.  I feel half empty and tightness in my body (stress).  This means that I can't work on the project.  I set out an ad at Guru.com for someone to help me for ten dollars less than what I'm getting so I can turn a profit.  I'm really concerned about project.  Will I get anyone to help me?  Will I fail?  Maybe.  I really hope not.

I'm taking a songwriting course online.  It's geared toward the emotion and thought of building the lyrics than actual music.  But maybe I'd be able to better write a song when it's done.  It's nice.

Going Crazy?

I decided not to take the job.  I decided not to go back to school.  Am I insane? 

I really am confused about this right now.  But I have had a head ache and body ache for the past two days, no motivation to get up and sleeping very strangely.  So my feeling is this...I should not go back to school for any whatever degree.  If go insane it will be a private insanity, not a public or dangerous one.  I knew I couldn't handle it.  I still know I can't. 

My dad's coming to town.  That kind of visit really always screws things up, because it's like, my dad, my superhero!  Throw in all the chips.  Then he leaves and it's like drug withdrawal!  My lungs are burning!  My life is a crumpled leaf.  I hate myself.  Suicide. 

That's why you should live near your parents.  Also for the free babysitting. 

So what will I do to get out of this.  Probably apply to some jobs.  Probably do some freelance writing or whatever it is you do freelance.  (not prostitution!  Dirty mind.)

I get so mad at myself for not taking the job.  Because it was the perfect setup.  EXACTLY...the perfect setup.  I'm not going to fall for that.  Life may take me, but the perfect setup, no.  Also I think my family wants to to end up like my Aunt Peggy(who went crazy after living in California and lived with my grandmother in her house only going out for groceries and doctor's appointments until she died and now lives in a nursing home) so they can suck my life away.  Ask them, it's true. No wonder I hate them so much. 

Anyways.  I want a life.  Not fame.  A life.  Not even a husband or kids.  But a life.  Not even church or God.  A life, even though that's heartbreaking to say.  I've given up so much in my life.  People may have said I have gotten it back.  I just want to say by their fruits you know them.  If my life hasn't shown any evidence of what I've gotten back...then it hasn't gotten anything back. 

Hiccup

So I'm back to going to school again.  I have this uncomfortable feeling that I'm not prepared for the job anymore, and that I'm not going to take it as seriously as I should.  That feeling is just a feeling.  Life will prevail.  It always has.