Job Hunting and Panic Attacks

I think this post is only for the shy, homebound, late sleeper job seeker, because although I am not always homebound, and a late sleeper, I am for today, this Memorial day. I slept til 6:00 pm!  And I didn't talk to anyone but my mom!  And lately at work, I am very quiet and haven't been making friends with anyone!  Letting my friend fields go to ruin. 

Shy, sleeping late, stay-at-home are my designations, today. 

First thing I do when I get on the computer.   I'm going to be productive.  I'm not letting this evening go to waste.  I look at my job search list, and quickly scan to see what I can do online.  I open tabs on Care.com, Indeed.com, Craigslist.com, Facebook, Textbroker, Online-Writing-Jobs.com, and Freelancer.com. 

I check out Care.com, selecting the ads that are in Arlington and seem to be a good fit.  I kind of get on a tangent on my first ad, and don't believe that they will send back.  Only twice have I gotten responses that were a fit, once for working as an Infant Teacher for Montesorri Acadamy and the other for a guy wanting me to help him write a book. 

So I go through writing responses in varying degrees of sanity, hoping some nice couple with twins will be willing to write me back, but not really believing anyone will. 

So I start to check out Indeed.  Panic attack, shut down the tab.  Craigslist.  After quickly scanning the first page I get the impression that Everything is BORING.  I quickly panic and then shut that down as well. Once I get a panic chain it's hard to stop.  I close down, OWJs, and Freelancer, and after some finagling with the password on Textbroker, it, too, dies at the hand of the panic attack. 

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Am I bored?  What is this intensity which causes me to shut down in the face of job searching?  What am I doing wrong?  Do I need a pep talk?  A warm-up?  Some mindless doing until I have the self-confidence to take on job searching?   

What prep work do I need to do to build up the confidence to take on job searching and not close the tab at the first sign of difficulty? 

I feel like there is something, but I don't know what it is.  I'll never know what it is.  I should just kill myself.  I've been getting a lot of mental messages telling me I should just kill myself.  and I've been answering them back "No, I don't want to kill myself. That's something I should not do."  and I think it's really bad.  Why would someone want to send that to me?  I know people think they are "testing" you, but sometimes that's just a blind for what they really want to say to you, something they really want you to do.  It's scary.  Why would someone want me to kill myself?  No wonder I'm hurt, and unable to do anything that seems big or scary or boring, I've got this fear of someone bringing down on my head that they are telling me to kill myself and I obviously don't want to do this, but I have tried to kill myself in the past and I feel like I'm susceptible to it.  It's like punishing an alcohol addict with whisky to "keep him in line," to "make him serious about things."  What the hell? 

Not only does it not make him serious about things, it makes him less serious about things. If you want to make an alcoholic or anyone serious about things, take away their addiction and see them as a person with things to lose like anyone else. Use their weakeness for them.  Stay on the side against their weaknesses.  Don't work for the other side.  I know my dad used to take the enemy's side, so that we would work against it, but I haven't seen him in years, and I don't want him in my life if he's going to disrupt my recovery and choose the side of insanity.  It breaks my heart. 

I feel like he's looking for an angle against me.  If you are looking for an angle against me, here's one.  I spill mine and everyone else's secrets in this blog.  So keep me from being a rat against myself and others.  I feel like I've been asleep all day and everyone had a chance to choose against me.  Feels like shit.  Sorry, this isn't supposed to be a rant against my dad, but this is what it has become.  Take up arms against my sleeping late.  Choose to be on my side, for a change, and not on the side which leaves me murdered by your secret sayings. 

That dealt with, I'm still feeling panicky about going to get a job.  What else is hiding in me that is stressing me beyond belief?  My coworkers have been subconsciously talking to me about cutting.  I don't know why, and nothing seems to be done about it.  It's very upsetting because I have cut before.  My legs, and I think once or twice my arms, once right in front of my brother and mom.  If you think my writing this is insane and horrible, imagine not being able to deal with your inner tension in a safe way, cutting or trying to kill yourself.  Believe me, this is a much better way. 

He just went in and made a line.  A "I'm going to murder you" line.  What's the point of that?  Why would you need to keep someone stressed out to a certain point all the time? 

I could go for hours on the pros and cons of keeping people stressed out and the backwards and forwards of it, but I'm trying to gain some ground on the panic my brain is experiencing when I get anywhere close to getting a job. 

I know that Logan, my boss, is somehow very sensitive about me getting a new job because I feel anxious about getting one and talking to him about it.  So that's something I've been considering.  Little beastie.  He's lucky I'm not ragging on him like I am on my dad, but I hold my dad to a higher standard. 

I feel like I need an opening...some sort of magical occurrence in the universe to get a new job.  And while this is what my little kid believes, my adult brain doesn't believe it a whit.  I know it will take dedication and perservence to get a new job.  A lot of work. 

So where do I come from?  A place of dedication and perserverence. 

Work Musings

I've been more and more spacey and feel less and less talented outside of work. Within work I feel more talented, but I'm concerned that I really need to start looking for a full time job.

However change doesn't happen overnight.  My mom expressed that she thinks I should continue working at Subway instead of looking for a full-time job.

Since her opinion shapes my world, how do you think this feels for me to have her throw me away on a cheap part time job.  She doesn't even think I could do a full time job.

She is so calloused and unfeeling to say that to me.  I don't think she knows how much this hurts.

I need her help and her support, and if I don't have it, then it's almost futile to look for a full-time job.
So we had one conversation about it.  I'm going to keep talking to her about it and hopefully she can help me, a little, by giving rides and being supportive.

We also had a conversation about how hard working at Subway is.  It's really work, it's not like dancing around a Maypole.  You know.  But I'm ready to take on a full day's work, and when I'm spacing out as I come home, it's hard to get motivated to look for a part time job.  I've already had two job opportunity things that I've been considering shot down by my mom, being a truck driver with paid tuition and working for a temporary agency, which I wasn't sure if I could do in concurrence with Subway, but thought they would help me gain experience in the administrative assistant biz and get my foot in the door.

There's this job from Care.com from a person in Grand Prairie who wanted help with their kid, but I don't live in Grand Prairie and I don't know that I could.  And.... I can't seem to find the email that they sent me.

I think I've narrowed my job search to Craigslist, even though it's the underbelly of the internet.  Maybe Indeed, although I always feel super discouraged applying because so many people already have applied to that job.

I think my dad's coming back to the US, has helped me to get a job, but I don't know if it will happen again.  I want to contact DARS to help, but I feel like I really don't have a a disability, just an unreasonable desire to get coffee and not being able to get up in the morning.  Other than that, normal people struggles.

Other ways to make money are freelance writing sites, even though I'm a crappy writer, who's ability to write about herself is her strongest feature, and babysitting job websites.  There's the newspaper, but most of those jobs are either for day laborers or skilled workers, and job fairs...I can barely get up in the morning, forget getting my mom to take me to one of those.

The thing about DARS, is that I get to share the burden of me finding a job.  I have someone to talk to, as a career counselor.    I just don't want to get shoved under the rug, like I was, working with Six Flags.  It was not a permanent job, and I knew it.  I gave up A LOT spiritually to get a job there.  I don't know what I have left spiritually to give.