Incognito

I have batman stats. 

I feel very dangerous lately.  Like I'm on the edge of something. 

Here we are.

So I'm here and it's 1:13pm.  I've been up since sun up, another all nighter/morning flip. 

Things are good.  I've taken care of myself, my dog, but I feel like my mom is not doing to well.  How much she'll let me help on that, I really don't know, but I feel like I should do something.  She never tells me her dreams anymore, just the one about moving and getting "some land."  She got her Bachelor's degree in English.  I don't know why she doesn't use that to get a either higher-paying or more fulfilling job. Otherwise, she seems like her needs are fulfilled. 

So that settles back to the valley which is me.  What to do with three hours and 33 minutes. 

Get a job.  I can't get one.  With the medication I'm on, I'm not going to get a job any time soon.  I know we are running out of money.  My SS pays little.  I'm lazy, but I'm just not sure where to start. 

Do you search online or in person? Both?  Neither?  Do you absorb a job through osmosis?  WTF, why is it so complicated?  'Why are the doves so noisy.  Don't they have anything better to do when I'm stressing over what to do.  All they do is eat (messily, I might add) and poop and make noises and make babies.  They live in that cage for their whole life, which isn't very long.  They don't have a job. 

Doves don't have a job, dog's don't have a job, Mother does have a job.  It consumes every waking minute even though it is a mere secretarial job.  I guess that is because it is with the government and the government eats souls alive. 







I often feel like I have to make a job perfect.  I have to have the right "feel."  Be there for someone.  Some cause.  I ignore all this pansy hogwash and say get an entry level job.  Something you don't have to lie on your resume about.  I have thought of lying on my resume.  

then there's this guy who went out to get rejected.  Rejection Therapy was born. I could not lie and just get rejected by employers, since I'm not qualified enough to work at the jobs I've been seeing. 

Then I think... this is cute and all, but I'm wasting my time.  I have to get a job now.  

Maybe that's the voice I should tell to shut up.  ok.  Wasted 18 minutes coming to this conclusion instead of poring over job sites.  I'd say I'd gotten a lot of rejection today: Facebook.  Just spiritually from different sources.  2 more minutes making those last two sentences.  I think our enemy may be time.  If I could just ignore time, unlimited productivity.  (How many businessmen have said that and died on reentry.)  Maybe not ignore time, but lasso it, harness it's energy and unbridled enthusiasm for continuing.  Without mass, there is no time.  *brain explosion*  

Every single time I come up with my I have to admit, slightly fun methods of job search, the Mad Hatter brings up the topic of time.

I'm serious, but compiling endless job adverts in a large black notebook haven't helped. 

For my first job I went to a job fair.  My next four jobs I went to the place where they were and asked for an application, filled it out there and got the job.  Then another school job.  Then I filled out an application online, that was Babies R' Us.  Then one job off craigslist.  I hope they didn't think I was going to sell them any weed.  Because I wasn't.  My last job, I got from a hiring agency.  It was pretty much the most awesome by far. 

Four walkins, two school jobs, Babies R' Us, craigslist and a hiring agency. 

And yet I go.,..

I finally got a job interview!  I have it at one today.  I feel sick, weak, and shaky, though.  I don't know how much of that is interview stress and how much is other stress.  I'm nervous, even though I don't care if I get the job or not, which is long story. 

I worked at Babies R' Us in 2009.  I had a great time, I was learning new things, and I felt like I had a great job.  The first day I had some money stolen out of my bag, and there was another clerk who was really nice, but I didn't see her very much after that.  The thing is we are supposed to ask if they want to buy batteries and if we don't do that...we have to give them a free gift card.  I forgot several times.  And so the day came where I didn't want to go into work at all.  And so it was spoken and so it was that I did not go in. I did call first to tell them.  And I went back to school and that was the end of that. 

Why would I apply again?  I think it was part desperation, part really hoping things there had changed. They have a lot of turnover of employees.  I don't know if that means they are good at building people up or they are lousy at it.  I feel like I have three months to get my act together, then it's curtains for me at that job. 

I calculated that would be about a $1500 for three months.  I can pay off some debt I have on my unsubsidized loans.  First thing to worry about.  And in the meantime look for another job, either at Toy's "R" Us or moving on up the ladder at Babies. 

I know I'm a wreckage of a human being, but even undead skeletons need to eat souls.I don't take the way of someone else, but my own way.  This is a hard path to travel.  I can be wrong, really wrong at times.  I probably don't even deserve a job.  Even a weak one like this one. I'm crumbling into dust as I write this. 

And yet I go...

My dog is evil.

I lay down next to her and snuggle her, then pick at her ear bump, which is a tumor or just one of those weird things that happen to dogs that is benign.  She hates me so she makes a set of my back muscles twitch like they would if some demon had pinched them.  Little devil dog.  (I think she always defends me so has gotten a god complex.) 

So I'm trying to figure out this job thing.  I searched for "help getting jobs in Arlington, TX"  A couple of bum and ex inmate sites were in the search results, but nothing helping regular people get a job.  I guess regular people don't need help.  Yet I need help. 

I haven't been applying as regularly as I should so that is something.  I should apply to at least 5 jobs per day.   Indeed seems kind of legit, but high intensity.  The other jobs sites, Simplyhired and Monster don't really have very many job leads.  I'm blaming that on the fact that Arlington doesn't have very many jobs. 

I figured out that I'm a freeloading bum, and I need to get a job like the rest of the people around here. 

So I'm not Bachelor degreed or skilled. I can walk dogs, clean and cook, and type 45 wpm.  I am also CPR and First Aid Certified. 

I'm not brave enough to face the day or my neighbors.  I have this beautiful free dog walking flyer. I don't have anything better to do than gain experience.  In the daylight I turn into this home abiding sun-shunning vampire (apart from the daily dog walk).  It really just sucks.   I'm like the mud creature who feels safe at dark, but who's skin is burned by the new light of day.

My sleep schedule doesn't help.  Sleeping to ridiculous hours of the afternoon. 

So I've decided that I'm a bum, or Gollum, which ever comes first in the dictionary and either way, I need to get a job like normal people have. 

Going with the trend.  I think I need to find a job I feel like I can pawn in. 

Looking through my categories of jobs I'm qualified for I think I can pawn in customer service and call center jobs.  They have always been placed in the "Boring" category in my head, so maybe I need to see if they are boring or not. 

I have applied at Care.com.  I found several potential jobs from there.  I was able to get a great job at the Bambino Palace, but that was cut short quickly.  I think they have a lot of different jobs, a lot of turnover.  So we are hoping that one of the jobs I apply to goes through. 

LAZY

I feel bad when I start looking for a job.  Like, creepy.  Like I'm a creep for even thinking about considering getting a job.  So I've been hedging around it for a month.  Am I a creep?  I don't want this.

I feel like I want to do what I don't want to do.  Which is the definition of work, amrite? But I don't want to be creepy. 

I guess the truth is I want help for me without me doing any work. This is hard for me to admit. You guys better appreciate my labor, baring my soul.  I am lazy.  I still think of lazy as an emotion.  But it is an action or more precisely, a non action.   

I can see myself from above, and I don't like the way I'm going.  I'm getting more arrogant, more lazy, more self-entitled. 

I see myself as very timid, because of the way I approach my looking for work.  Baby steps, when employers want manly, 7-leauge boots steps. 

Ok, I looked it up, L-A-Z-Y could be an emotion or a will.  Definitely an adjective.  Example: I feel lazy.  I prefer to think of it as a spiritual condition.  A spiritual malady, if you will.  A sick will. 

The cure to most spiritual maladies is love.  I need more love.  Instead of PokemonGO, i need LoveGO.  Or a spiritual seeing eye dog.  I already have one of those.  She's more than a therapy dog, she's a GD German Shepherd of my Soul. 

I don't want to be lazy - this is a sign of getting better.  I don't want anyone to get high hopes or depend on me, though.  I'm not out of the woods yet. 

I need like a Jesus to explain to me all the things I've ever done, like the Samaritan woman at the well.  Explain the house, explain the couch.  Explain my body and my head.  Explain what to do for my mom, explain the dog, the birds.  Explain my impending sense of doom.  Explain my laziness.  Explain why whenever I want to get a job, I feel I should look for the love first and then don't know how and quickly dismiss it and go about it with the regular organizational methods. 

Why my body gets so tired and why I feel like a fixture in my neighborhood.  (Probably because of walking the dog so much.)     Why I feel so stinky , probably because I didn't take a shower yesterday (I was sleeping) and because I lied about fasting for a blood test; I ate two pieces of bread and a pickle around midnight, so I'm hoping it doesn't count. 

Keeping Promises, Keeping the word, Even when it's twisted against you.

I kind of promised this friend that I wouldn't make lists, and I've been making a lot of them.  Not just your average todo lists, no, I'm talking about elaborately sorted things to do in the morning, afternoon and evening.  Things to warm up to other things, but since I sleep in, most of the really hard important stuff doesn't get done. 

So this promise was made a long time ago, and I sort of thought it was a time-delimited promise, but he keeps telling me that I shouldn't make lists.  And I've been feeling bad about it and yet I know he's probably right. 

My argument is that I'll never get anything done.  Some people would say "So?  It's not important for you to get anything done." (Here's where it divides.)  one group says, "God is the one who needs to get things done," and the other group says "You're a failure, you failed and so you don't deserve to get anything done."

His argument is "Sacrifice."  Another God thing that I'll probably never understand. 

Listening to these people is surely death.  Death by the cross or death by depression.  I haven't figured out the cross bit, yet, but I know I don't want to die by depression.  I feel buried in this house.  I've only left by going shopping for clothes yesterday. 

So I'm dying in a house.  I can't make lists (or schedules) or my conscience offends me and I can't seem to stick with a routine.

I can clean and cook, walk dogs, type 45 wpm, and am certified in CPR and First Aid. 

Ramblations. I love you.

(Feeling miserable that I don't have the words for this.)

I was feeling the burn trying to find a real job in Arlington.  Ok, I was working kind a hard, and trying to "discover" myself a long the way.  It's a kid thing I never grew out of.  

Not as hard as I should have, trying to find a day job.  

When all a sudden I had an epiphany.  I would work at home.  That way I could sidestep my inability to get along with other people, and how to change in the right way and how to be perfect.... my inner perfectionist comes out and yells at me, as far as jobs are concerned.  

And I can't see how this is terrible.  This stepping down to let others take the "better" (i.e. more challenging, i.e. unfun jobs).  Isn't a job by very definition, unfun?  

I have all these paranoid, schizophrenic ideas about jobs.  That they are sending secret messages to people through their job postings and I have to have all these super abundant spiritual gifts.  I don't,and I'm not even confident.  I have lost my self confidence.  And it is very upsetting that I didn't really get anything out of it.  

I'm starting to complain a whole lot more.  I think that's an old woman thing.  Goes with the house.  

So i had this epiphany.  I could work at home!  Woot Woot!  I live at home, I enjoy at home, I suffer at home.  Why not add work to the occasion.  

It was brilliant, until my paranoia kicked in. 

1.)  I'm lost my self-confidence. (And my ability to proper grammar.)

2.)  I'm afraid of being depressed.  Have you seen the tongue depressor?  It's sorta like that for your entire body.  

3.)  I don't know how to organize the search.  If anyone gets lost in the woods, please don't ask me to organize the search.  There's just so much out there.  Freelancing, Mom's who work at home.  Companies who hire people to stalk Googlers.  There's just so much.  

I guess I'm just the reaper of what other people have sown like in the Bible.  Reaping's not fun man. There's this huge sickle and you have to swish it just right, no, just no.  I cannot even.  I don't feel justified in swishing my golden sickle over all the work at home jobs.  Also, I seriously need a boyfriend.  If I'm ever going to family, this has got to happen soon.   It's like I'm pruning  in the sun, and I gotta get some of this baby juice out before I dry up completely.  

I'm not going to RP it thank you very much.  I do fear becoming an irresponsible parent sans husband.  Healthy fear?  Well, you never know.  

The thing is we kinda need the capital, but we kind a don't need the capital.  Because my mom works full time, she has enough to pay for the house the car, and the electricity.  She uses my small SS check to buy groceries for me, and fast food for me.   And that's it.  I have $200 in the bank for emergencies.  

So what would the capital be used forwith?  I would not build a wall.  There's already one like it in China, Doesn't work, didn't you see Mulan?  I think it would become like the Berlin wall and rebound and Mexico and the United States would become one.  Which is my main argument for Trump and his wall.  But no one believes anything he says.  But it's said, you know.  

So I would use it on, 1. Paying Back My Debt.  2.  Tithe  3.  Clothes  4.  Puppy  

That's all I got so far.  I have mountains of debt.  I'll never get enough capital to pay off my debt. Maybe I shouldn't tithe.  Clothes.  I need clothes. It's a reasonable expense,  I would buy snacks and maybe classes for my dog.  Paper and ink for my printer.  waste of a feel good time.  Gifts.  I'm a big believer in gifts for others, when I think of taking care of them that way.  So really just Debt and Miscellaneous and Clothes.  A lot of Debt.  

The problem is, I turned to these notebooks, and I feel like I can act like a child in my private life and it won't affect my work life.  Now the two are overlapping and I'm seeing what an idiot I am.  

Not fun.  On the bright side I can't really stick to a schedule, I can't stop drinking coffee for whatever reason, and I can't keep normal sleeping hours.  So I'm all good.  

On the real bright side.  I've been practicing my typing and I think I'm getting really good at it.  Maybe 50 wpm.  Probably only 45 wpm.  Still I've been doing this everyday.   Also been showering, ( Honestly, I hate showering) doing dishes and walking the dog, almost every day.  

So I'm stuck with some debt.  I can type 45 wpm, clean house and walk dogs.