I'm thinking a lot about getting a job.
I want to lie on my resume and whatnot. But that seems really dumb.
I want to wait for a job to fall into my lap, because of my good works and hobnobbing, but that seems really dumb, too.
Both of them seem like they would make really good stories, but people (I) can't be a character in her own story. I have to go out not knowing. Plan without planning.
I feel like there should be some advice on getting a job.
Like....
Spend a lot of time self improving.
Look for connections around places you like to hang out.
Follow your loves: Puppies, Books, and Rights for all.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Update
1. Embrace your physical appearance.
I was going to say, yes, I have embraced my appearance. Then I realized I was fat and had weird hair and had acne and funky glasses. But most of the time, I embrace my appearance, so I've been accepting myself for who I am. A nice place to be.
2. Take control of your health.
Today I didn't have coffee, if you could call 6pm to 12pm a day. I actually made coffee. and then didn't drink it. I thought about my dog and how much I loved her and how cute she was being and I was inspired to make a change. So yay! Gave up coffee for a day!
My sleep schedule is a mess though. I'm thinking about going to my room and sleeping, now at 2:20 pm, so I can get up later in the morning. Maybe my sleeping in is a rebellion of sorts. I can't control it one way, I control it another way. Sleep in extra. It really makes me furious. Why isn't my schedule normal like everyone else's. I get all wired and can't sleep, or sleep like a ginormous Koala, the sleepiest animal in the animal kingdom.
My ideal schedule would be from 10pm to 7am. That's exactly 10 hours, so koala girl can get her sleep on, regardless of the 8 hour rule.
Going to sleep now, even though, I've just slept like an entire day.
Day 3. I look in the mirror this afternoon and I see ugliness. I slept til 1, didn't get up to cancel my appointment which my mom couldn't make, and just lay there thirty minutes before I got up because everything was too....intense. I just couldn't deal. Life was too huge. And I looked in the mirror and saw ugliness.
The truth is, I don't know if I should be doing this blog, because I feel like life doesn't need a narrator and sometimes narration itself hinders the story unfolding. But it does keep me on track and focused. So if I suddenly disappear, that's what happened to me. Life got in the way.
Some people say ugliness is not accepting yourself. I think this must be true. This morning I couldn't accept that I was not able to get up earlier and judged myself on this. I was judging everything! I even half-sleepily judged my mom for not being able to get off work earlier to drop me off at my hair appointment, but still had time to mow the grass. Maybe Ugliness is just judging, itself.
I couldn't hug my ugliness today, but I will give it some thought on Ninja and my walk. Do I judge? Am I judging? What is it to forgive?
As for taking charge of my health, I didn't drink coffee yesterday, or today. Yes! It's great to feel like you are taking the right steps. I brushed my teeth last night. I think I remember not washing my face, although I can't remember why.
Find a personal mantra. I have one. And I've been using it. Things are good.
Get a hobby. I believe mine is beading/jewelry making at least for now. I've been spending my time trying to find these Scoubidou, or hollow plastic lacing. I got one package that was not hollow and have ordered to others that look promising to make a button ring. Ordered some huge wooden buttons that I can paint and have big holes. We will see if they work with the Scoubidou.
Figure out how to destress Guided imagery. I will try that. I think it's like books on tape or something.
2. Take control of your health.
Today I didn't have coffee, if you could call 6pm to 12pm a day. I actually made coffee. and then didn't drink it. I thought about my dog and how much I loved her and how cute she was being and I was inspired to make a change. So yay! Gave up coffee for a day!
My sleep schedule is a mess though. I'm thinking about going to my room and sleeping, now at 2:20 pm, so I can get up later in the morning. Maybe my sleeping in is a rebellion of sorts. I can't control it one way, I control it another way. Sleep in extra. It really makes me furious. Why isn't my schedule normal like everyone else's. I get all wired and can't sleep, or sleep like a ginormous Koala, the sleepiest animal in the animal kingdom.
My ideal schedule would be from 10pm to 7am. That's exactly 10 hours, so koala girl can get her sleep on, regardless of the 8 hour rule.
Going to sleep now, even though, I've just slept like an entire day.
Day 3. I look in the mirror this afternoon and I see ugliness. I slept til 1, didn't get up to cancel my appointment which my mom couldn't make, and just lay there thirty minutes before I got up because everything was too....intense. I just couldn't deal. Life was too huge. And I looked in the mirror and saw ugliness.
The truth is, I don't know if I should be doing this blog, because I feel like life doesn't need a narrator and sometimes narration itself hinders the story unfolding. But it does keep me on track and focused. So if I suddenly disappear, that's what happened to me. Life got in the way.
Some people say ugliness is not accepting yourself. I think this must be true. This morning I couldn't accept that I was not able to get up earlier and judged myself on this. I was judging everything! I even half-sleepily judged my mom for not being able to get off work earlier to drop me off at my hair appointment, but still had time to mow the grass. Maybe Ugliness is just judging, itself.
I couldn't hug my ugliness today, but I will give it some thought on Ninja and my walk. Do I judge? Am I judging? What is it to forgive?
As for taking charge of my health, I didn't drink coffee yesterday, or today. Yes! It's great to feel like you are taking the right steps. I brushed my teeth last night. I think I remember not washing my face, although I can't remember why.
Find a personal mantra. I have one. And I've been using it. Things are good.
Get a hobby. I believe mine is beading/jewelry making at least for now. I've been spending my time trying to find these Scoubidou, or hollow plastic lacing. I got one package that was not hollow and have ordered to others that look promising to make a button ring. Ordered some huge wooden buttons that I can paint and have big holes. We will see if they work with the Scoubidou.
Figure out how to destress Guided imagery. I will try that. I think it's like books on tape or something.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Self Improvement, Baby Steps
Ok is there some sort of natural law that means you can't plan things for yourself? Because I feel like that's what's been happening to me lately. And by lately I mean the past 31 years. I keep trying and trying and it's just a mess. I want to give someone my plans and have them make me do them. I think that's called a long-term relationship. Except I can't plan myself into one, because I can't plan anything! I guess it's called "ask someone." The only person I see regularly is my mom and I think it's weird to ask your mom to help you find a LTR. And he has to beat all my previous boyfriends, like in Scott Pilgrim Versus the World. I'm not saying this for me, but I will feel like I lesser being if we had to submit to some ex.
So the whole planning thing, I was planning to follow advice in my thirties, only to find that I cannot. I am a mess and cannot hold a spoon. My muscle skills are fading. I feel like I have the start of Parkinson's. I run into things.
Ok, so I'm exaggerating a little, but it does feel like I have to work extra hard to type.
Back to planning. How should I do this? Take one thing and work on it? One subheading under one category a day? I have a lot to self-explore. And someone recommended that I should just be. Square one isn't where I want to start, but if I don't I know I'll be in trouble in the future. Being is just so ambiguous. From "10 Tips for Loving Life (and Yourself) in Your 30s, by Raluca State in Huffpost Women, the First tip is 1. Embrace your physical appearance.
This is great and I have embraced it. Lately though, I've been really weird about my clothes. They exhaust me. Maybe I can explore that and I have been using Proactiv. I haven't been keeping up with it though. Start from the beginning. Make some habits, keep them.
I'm usually pretty chill about what I look like, but I also keep to myself. I don't have anyone making fun of me on a regular basis. My mom occasionally makes comments if my jeans are especially butt crack prone or my hair. But it doesn't really garner any great change. I look for jeans that fit me, but I have a weird body shape.
2. Take control of your health.
I drink too much coffee. I take too much pills. But be. So maybe I can habitually stop this. Stock the fridge with sodas and other special drinks. so I won't be tempted to drink coffee. No coffee. As for the pills, I'm scared. I'm really scared to ask and then get rejected and then to assert my rights as a consumer to refuse treatment, because I have my mom and Dr. A to deal with. I want to get off the pills, but be stable, as well. I don't want to go crazy. Which is the atmosphere my mom presents when I come home telling her I'm off something. She starts this "I think you aren't thinking properly. You really need the medication.:" in her robot voice.
It's weird how much health is an emotional issue.
Sleep determines how healthy we are. I'll have to implement that Top 10 Ways to Get a Good Night's Sleep, by Mark Stibich.
Exercise: This has to do with both physical appearance and health. I think two is fine for now. Baby Steps.
So the whole planning thing, I was planning to follow advice in my thirties, only to find that I cannot. I am a mess and cannot hold a spoon. My muscle skills are fading. I feel like I have the start of Parkinson's. I run into things.
Ok, so I'm exaggerating a little, but it does feel like I have to work extra hard to type.
Back to planning. How should I do this? Take one thing and work on it? One subheading under one category a day? I have a lot to self-explore. And someone recommended that I should just be. Square one isn't where I want to start, but if I don't I know I'll be in trouble in the future. Being is just so ambiguous. From "10 Tips for Loving Life (and Yourself) in Your 30s, by Raluca State in Huffpost Women, the First tip is 1. Embrace your physical appearance.
This is great and I have embraced it. Lately though, I've been really weird about my clothes. They exhaust me. Maybe I can explore that and I have been using Proactiv. I haven't been keeping up with it though. Start from the beginning. Make some habits, keep them.
I'm usually pretty chill about what I look like, but I also keep to myself. I don't have anyone making fun of me on a regular basis. My mom occasionally makes comments if my jeans are especially butt crack prone or my hair. But it doesn't really garner any great change. I look for jeans that fit me, but I have a weird body shape.
2. Take control of your health.
I drink too much coffee. I take too much pills. But be. So maybe I can habitually stop this. Stock the fridge with sodas and other special drinks. so I won't be tempted to drink coffee. No coffee. As for the pills, I'm scared. I'm really scared to ask and then get rejected and then to assert my rights as a consumer to refuse treatment, because I have my mom and Dr. A to deal with. I want to get off the pills, but be stable, as well. I don't want to go crazy. Which is the atmosphere my mom presents when I come home telling her I'm off something. She starts this "I think you aren't thinking properly. You really need the medication.:" in her robot voice.
It's weird how much health is an emotional issue.
Sleep determines how healthy we are. I'll have to implement that Top 10 Ways to Get a Good Night's Sleep, by Mark Stibich.
1. Only Sleep and Have Sex in the Bedroom
2. Keep a Schedule
3. Make a Bedtime Ritual
4. Exercise Daily
5. Get Some Sunlight
6. Avoid Caffeine in the Afternoon
7. Make Your Bedroom Dark
8. Avoid Alcohol
9. Don't Smoke
10. See a Doctor
Exercise: This has to do with both physical appearance and health. I think two is fine for now. Baby Steps.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Going "Rouge"
I have gone rouge. Almost.
And I am dammit mad! And sad. And Mixed up.
I just dropped my classes at UTA. This means that I'm kind of going crazy? Or stopping going to someplace before I go crazy? All I know is that I'm going to go through a lot of dirt before I come out the other end. Ten more years of pain and suffering, right? That's the cost of quitting a semester? Ok, this is me getting angry and sad and crazy.
My mom is acting really weird. Like the opposite of uptight but with the same results as being uptight.
On the other end, if I focus all my pain and rage and whathaveyou into getting a job, then I might have a chance of making something of myself.
And I'm going to do things differently than I have done them before. I'm going to lie. I'm doing this to see if anyone can get a job in this economy. (Oh, but I'm not going to take the jobs I'm unqualified for...I'm really bad about pretending, I'm just OCD.) Obama taught us to never talk about jobs. I can't, not talk about it. I think my kids are in there, saying "Go mom, experiment with jobs, have fun!" And I really want to listen to them.
Eternal: The first thing I'm doing is gathering all the internet advice about people in their thirties. Everyone has advice for school age children, teenagers, especially, and college students. At the most important time in our lives when we don't have educational system to back you up, what then? Are we air? Do we matter? Is there things we need to be doing? I'll explore all these topics and more. I give myself two weeks to research and edit, and 6 weeks to implement. This is all - I hate to label it - Self Development, which I do not need. I need to let go. But everyone has rules in their lives and I have some, but
Make a schedule. Keep it. I give this two weeks
Past: Then I'm going to hit up my past career places, see what I have done with my life so far. Check out my resume, play with it. Connect the threads of education/career/volunteering to see what comes out5 weeks
Present: Set aside some money to buy a suit, cab fares, airline tickets. Get some counseling, I have a feeling I will need it. Indeed or three pages of job searching.
Future: Take that obedience course, CPR course, self improvement from the ads Lie like horizontal.
What will mess me up: Depression, overblown mistakes, fear, God. God's a big one. I'm not an atheist or I wouldn't be talking about God. but I feel like I tried to serve Him the wrong way and got burned up. So now if He wants to contact me, I'll let Him, but I'll always be wary of those eyes.
So be looking for updates, I'm sorry this is such a mess, but I can't really keep it together as much as I want to right now.
And I am dammit mad! And sad. And Mixed up.
I just dropped my classes at UTA. This means that I'm kind of going crazy? Or stopping going to someplace before I go crazy? All I know is that I'm going to go through a lot of dirt before I come out the other end. Ten more years of pain and suffering, right? That's the cost of quitting a semester? Ok, this is me getting angry and sad and crazy.
My mom is acting really weird. Like the opposite of uptight but with the same results as being uptight.
On the other end, if I focus all my pain and rage and whathaveyou into getting a job, then I might have a chance of making something of myself.
And I'm going to do things differently than I have done them before. I'm going to lie. I'm doing this to see if anyone can get a job in this economy. (Oh, but I'm not going to take the jobs I'm unqualified for...I'm really bad about pretending, I'm just OCD.) Obama taught us to never talk about jobs. I can't, not talk about it. I think my kids are in there, saying "Go mom, experiment with jobs, have fun!" And I really want to listen to them.
Eternal: The first thing I'm doing is gathering all the internet advice about people in their thirties. Everyone has advice for school age children, teenagers, especially, and college students. At the most important time in our lives when we don't have educational system to back you up, what then? Are we air? Do we matter? Is there things we need to be doing? I'll explore all these topics and more. I give myself two weeks to research and edit, and 6 weeks to implement. This is all - I hate to label it - Self Development, which I do not need. I need to let go. But everyone has rules in their lives and I have some, but
Make a schedule. Keep it. I give this two weeks
Past: Then I'm going to hit up my past career places, see what I have done with my life so far. Check out my resume, play with it. Connect the threads of education/career/volunteering to see what comes out5 weeks
Present: Set aside some money to buy a suit, cab fares, airline tickets. Get some counseling, I have a feeling I will need it. Indeed or three pages of job searching.
Future: Take that obedience course, CPR course, self improvement from the ads Lie like horizontal.
What will mess me up: Depression, overblown mistakes, fear, God. God's a big one. I'm not an atheist or I wouldn't be talking about God. but I feel like I tried to serve Him the wrong way and got burned up. So now if He wants to contact me, I'll let Him, but I'll always be wary of those eyes.
So be looking for updates, I'm sorry this is such a mess, but I can't really keep it together as much as I want to right now.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Job Offer
Someone offered me a job. WHAT? A mere month after promising not to do anything whatsoever to get money, and to work only if someone offered me a job, here it is.
Yep, the guy on Guru offered me a job. I don't know what it is.
The point is that it does happen. Life's so weird.
Yep, the guy on Guru offered me a job. I don't know what it is.
The point is that it does happen. Life's so weird.
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