I got a Job

I got one.

Whataburger.

Part time increased to Full time, if I'm a good worker.

a dollar more than I'm making at Subway.

I can get there by using Uber.

Ryan Brown does this, and it seems to work for him.

I did the math and i still seem to turn a profit.

Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?  Am I having flashbacks of my Aunt Peggy working at Chick-fil-a?  Am I worried about my vegetarian lifestyle?  All these questions plague me.  I worry about leaving Subway too soon. I love working there.  I thought that they had enough people that I was not needed anymore, but I may have moved to soon.

How did I get the job?  I got the job from indeed, found the phone number from Google, and called to see what was the best way to get hired.  From there, I filled out an application online.  They called me to schedule an interview.  I barely got there on time with an uber, and had a last minute interview.  I have to call to apologize for not getting my information in earlier, but was detained unavoidably.

That is the boring story of how I got the job.

Am I still going to look for another job?  It's that or going back to school.  I don't know which at this point, but I'm looking at Horticulture.  The two problems with the program that I can see is that it is during the day for one and at the North East campus for two. Thus, if I'm working during the day, I might have problems with scheduling and it's a far drive for me.  I'm not ruling it out yet, but scheduling and location conflicts are real.  

I've got to pray that the Lord lets me make it these next two weeks.

Writer Panic Attacks

I've been having panic attacks spinning articles for this one site. I used to sit down and chug out word after word of nothing to complete a $3-5 article, but for my body, I suppose my standards have risen.  I can't write about something about which I'm not passionate.  How strange that such standards would manifest themselves in fear and panic attacks.

So how do you deal with panic attacks that are keeping you from earning your bread and butter?  This site is the only site with regular work that I'm a part of that I know I can write something and make solid money doing it.

Nick Usborne, in When Panic Attacks Writers promises that if you have a panic attack related to writing that you should take two hours away, doing something else.  I think he's right.  My brain is still on write mode though, I just might finish this.

Waiting for my life to come around

I have to do it.  I'm not doing it.

I'm waiting for "it" to "feel" "right."

It's like the stars have to align for things to be right, but really it's people and energy management.  Things you can't really do consciously.  It's like the unexplored section between consciousness and subconsciousness.

Just got to "do" it even if it's "bad."  And it's gonna be bad.

...If I don't wait for the right time.

Job Hunting and Panic Attacks

I think this post is only for the shy, homebound, late sleeper job seeker, because although I am not always homebound, and a late sleeper, I am for today, this Memorial day. I slept til 6:00 pm!  And I didn't talk to anyone but my mom!  And lately at work, I am very quiet and haven't been making friends with anyone!  Letting my friend fields go to ruin. 

Shy, sleeping late, stay-at-home are my designations, today. 

First thing I do when I get on the computer.   I'm going to be productive.  I'm not letting this evening go to waste.  I look at my job search list, and quickly scan to see what I can do online.  I open tabs on Care.com, Indeed.com, Craigslist.com, Facebook, Textbroker, Online-Writing-Jobs.com, and Freelancer.com. 

I check out Care.com, selecting the ads that are in Arlington and seem to be a good fit.  I kind of get on a tangent on my first ad, and don't believe that they will send back.  Only twice have I gotten responses that were a fit, once for working as an Infant Teacher for Montesorri Acadamy and the other for a guy wanting me to help him write a book. 

So I go through writing responses in varying degrees of sanity, hoping some nice couple with twins will be willing to write me back, but not really believing anyone will. 

So I start to check out Indeed.  Panic attack, shut down the tab.  Craigslist.  After quickly scanning the first page I get the impression that Everything is BORING.  I quickly panic and then shut that down as well. Once I get a panic chain it's hard to stop.  I close down, OWJs, and Freelancer, and after some finagling with the password on Textbroker, it, too, dies at the hand of the panic attack. 

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Am I bored?  What is this intensity which causes me to shut down in the face of job searching?  What am I doing wrong?  Do I need a pep talk?  A warm-up?  Some mindless doing until I have the self-confidence to take on job searching?   

What prep work do I need to do to build up the confidence to take on job searching and not close the tab at the first sign of difficulty? 

I feel like there is something, but I don't know what it is.  I'll never know what it is.  I should just kill myself.  I've been getting a lot of mental messages telling me I should just kill myself.  and I've been answering them back "No, I don't want to kill myself. That's something I should not do."  and I think it's really bad.  Why would someone want to send that to me?  I know people think they are "testing" you, but sometimes that's just a blind for what they really want to say to you, something they really want you to do.  It's scary.  Why would someone want me to kill myself?  No wonder I'm hurt, and unable to do anything that seems big or scary or boring, I've got this fear of someone bringing down on my head that they are telling me to kill myself and I obviously don't want to do this, but I have tried to kill myself in the past and I feel like I'm susceptible to it.  It's like punishing an alcohol addict with whisky to "keep him in line," to "make him serious about things."  What the hell? 

Not only does it not make him serious about things, it makes him less serious about things. If you want to make an alcoholic or anyone serious about things, take away their addiction and see them as a person with things to lose like anyone else. Use their weakeness for them.  Stay on the side against their weaknesses.  Don't work for the other side.  I know my dad used to take the enemy's side, so that we would work against it, but I haven't seen him in years, and I don't want him in my life if he's going to disrupt my recovery and choose the side of insanity.  It breaks my heart. 

I feel like he's looking for an angle against me.  If you are looking for an angle against me, here's one.  I spill mine and everyone else's secrets in this blog.  So keep me from being a rat against myself and others.  I feel like I've been asleep all day and everyone had a chance to choose against me.  Feels like shit.  Sorry, this isn't supposed to be a rant against my dad, but this is what it has become.  Take up arms against my sleeping late.  Choose to be on my side, for a change, and not on the side which leaves me murdered by your secret sayings. 

That dealt with, I'm still feeling panicky about going to get a job.  What else is hiding in me that is stressing me beyond belief?  My coworkers have been subconsciously talking to me about cutting.  I don't know why, and nothing seems to be done about it.  It's very upsetting because I have cut before.  My legs, and I think once or twice my arms, once right in front of my brother and mom.  If you think my writing this is insane and horrible, imagine not being able to deal with your inner tension in a safe way, cutting or trying to kill yourself.  Believe me, this is a much better way. 

He just went in and made a line.  A "I'm going to murder you" line.  What's the point of that?  Why would you need to keep someone stressed out to a certain point all the time? 

I could go for hours on the pros and cons of keeping people stressed out and the backwards and forwards of it, but I'm trying to gain some ground on the panic my brain is experiencing when I get anywhere close to getting a job. 

I know that Logan, my boss, is somehow very sensitive about me getting a new job because I feel anxious about getting one and talking to him about it.  So that's something I've been considering.  Little beastie.  He's lucky I'm not ragging on him like I am on my dad, but I hold my dad to a higher standard. 

I feel like I need an opening...some sort of magical occurrence in the universe to get a new job.  And while this is what my little kid believes, my adult brain doesn't believe it a whit.  I know it will take dedication and perservence to get a new job.  A lot of work. 

So where do I come from?  A place of dedication and perserverence. 

Work Musings

I've been more and more spacey and feel less and less talented outside of work. Within work I feel more talented, but I'm concerned that I really need to start looking for a full time job.

However change doesn't happen overnight.  My mom expressed that she thinks I should continue working at Subway instead of looking for a full-time job.

Since her opinion shapes my world, how do you think this feels for me to have her throw me away on a cheap part time job.  She doesn't even think I could do a full time job.

She is so calloused and unfeeling to say that to me.  I don't think she knows how much this hurts.

I need her help and her support, and if I don't have it, then it's almost futile to look for a full-time job.
So we had one conversation about it.  I'm going to keep talking to her about it and hopefully she can help me, a little, by giving rides and being supportive.

We also had a conversation about how hard working at Subway is.  It's really work, it's not like dancing around a Maypole.  You know.  But I'm ready to take on a full day's work, and when I'm spacing out as I come home, it's hard to get motivated to look for a part time job.  I've already had two job opportunity things that I've been considering shot down by my mom, being a truck driver with paid tuition and working for a temporary agency, which I wasn't sure if I could do in concurrence with Subway, but thought they would help me gain experience in the administrative assistant biz and get my foot in the door.

There's this job from Care.com from a person in Grand Prairie who wanted help with their kid, but I don't live in Grand Prairie and I don't know that I could.  And.... I can't seem to find the email that they sent me.

I think I've narrowed my job search to Craigslist, even though it's the underbelly of the internet.  Maybe Indeed, although I always feel super discouraged applying because so many people already have applied to that job.

I think my dad's coming back to the US, has helped me to get a job, but I don't know if it will happen again.  I want to contact DARS to help, but I feel like I really don't have a a disability, just an unreasonable desire to get coffee and not being able to get up in the morning.  Other than that, normal people struggles.

Other ways to make money are freelance writing sites, even though I'm a crappy writer, who's ability to write about herself is her strongest feature, and babysitting job websites.  There's the newspaper, but most of those jobs are either for day laborers or skilled workers, and job fairs...I can barely get up in the morning, forget getting my mom to take me to one of those.

The thing about DARS, is that I get to share the burden of me finding a job.  I have someone to talk to, as a career counselor.    I just don't want to get shoved under the rug, like I was, working with Six Flags.  It was not a permanent job, and I knew it.  I gave up A LOT spiritually to get a job there.  I don't know what I have left spiritually to give.

I feel a lot of things.

I started to work on my job situation.  I have a job at the moment but it doesn't start until February.  I'm going to get another job to get out of working there, but I don't want to quit it until I'm sure I have another job.  

I did my Babysitting job website sweep, and Sittercity and Care had some hits.  Urbansitter still needs a video, which I can't make on my compy.  I'm going to ask my mom to help me make it with her iphone. Care4hire has nothing on it.  

I emailed DARS.  

Then I got stuck.  I wanted to get on craigslist and robot through the ads, but something held me back.  I feel confused and embarrassed about some of the things suggested on that site.  However, I have gotten a job on there before.  I don't know how legit it was, but I was paid real money and I was really working. 

I couldn't even go past that to writing jobs.  

And as for getting out, I imagine today's not a great day for it, being a holiday.  

I don't have any friends to take me out.  

There are no job fairs today.  

As for the newspaper, they only had one ad that seemed to be of interest and it even was rather sketchy looking.  

I've been sailing in and out of different forms of depression all day.

Talking to Jeffery Young. Nice to have someone to relate to.  

I want to go to the church meeting, but I also feel tired from staying up all night.  

I keep getting stuck in waiting.  I feel really dumb and hate the feeling of being boxed up and doing nothing.  Is that what I do to recharge? Sit and stare a things?  I was trying to find something more substantial, but I guess that's just too much for some me.  Because I want to be doing things so bad. 

I feel like everyone is cutthroat these days.  

My mom is sleeping her day away and watching TV.  I guess things could be worse.  

I feel so aggressive.  Angry.  I'm not sure if I should pacify the anger and let it dissipate or use it. 

And I feel sad.  I feel a lot of things.  

I didn't get a job by

I didn't get a job by:

Staying home

Not networking / being alone all the time  

Being rigid towards myself and others

Overthinking things

Over complicating things

Being overly intro- or outro- spective without a balance

Mismanaging time

Not sacrificing to get a job

Not depending on others

To get a job:

Get out

You can get out by walking to local places near you to get a job, having people such as friends or family take you places,

Network, Know you aren't alone



Be flexible
Don't think at all
Don't be complicated
Be even about looking at yourself
Manage your time wisely
Sacrifice
Depend on others

My Main Motivation for Finding a Job Soon and Freelance Writing Sites that I Trust to Get the Job Done

I'm trying to get a snappy new job so that my mom doesn't have to support me and so that I can support myself and to pay off my student loans.  I would also include tithe.

There's tons of little things I'd like to spend my money on.  Getting the laptop keyboard fixed.  I am now not able to use the letter "z," I have to copy and paste, and clothes, as I keep running out of bras and pants.  I would like to get some new purses, and order food out, or go to the store to get candy.  

However, I am not going to do any of these things until I pay my debt to the to my mom who helped me out, paying for my classes and the federal government.  I must practice what I preach and put paying my debt first.  My mom says that she won't use the social security money I am receiving to pay for my student loans, anymore.  So money wise that would be a 10% debt and a 90% to loans.  

This means I have no choice but to get a job.  

Tomorrow, if all goes well, I will get out to look for a job.  Until then, since I can't go out, I'll work on online writing jobs.  

Textbroker.com is the most reliable site to get paid.  Then there's Freelancer.com on which I got a job which didn't go well, and Upwork.com where I'm yet to get a job. Then there's Online-Writing-Jobs.com which I think will help me get a "bread-and-butter" job, a job that you can get to "pay the bills."  

I don't know what specifications I should use to find said writing job.  I don't really have any guidance in this area. Should I be focusing on SEO since it is the biggest thing right now?  Should I be focusing on editing, since a lot of the time that's what I feel like doing instead of writing?  I could focus on specific areas such as family or pets or business.  I feel like I have too much freedom and not enough vision in this area.   

Therefore, I am paying off my student loans and when I can't get out I'm looking for online writing jobs.   I have no clue what I should be specializing in so Jesus take the wheel.  

Accidental Jesus Rant

I got up supra early this morning.  My previous self would be so jealous of me right now!

5am.  

That's how early.

Enjoying the Lord Jesus.

I think I come on to blogger and complain about things for two reasons: one; to prove that I'm a person with conflict and two, to hide the good things inside of me and never let them out.  To save and savor them, keep them a secret between me and Jesus, when it turns out I'm not helping other people.

Witness Lee always says we are great lovers of God until it comes to other people.  Then we get exposed.   I am exposed in my writing because there are other people involved other than just me.  I really appreciate the dealings of conscience that I get.  There's not just my conflict: there's other people and their conflicts.

I just have to sacrifice what I don't want to sacrifice if I want to keep writing this blog, and I really do.  Before, in 2005, I had no readers, so it didn't matter, but the Lord has actually blessed me with readers, so I must consider their thoughts and intentions.

I wanted to share that with you because I care about ya'll and I want you to know I'm thinking about you when I write.  So I shall write on, and on shall I write!

Old Job Places

I am scouting out all my old job places that I've worked before, trying to get a job there, because I know they are all good places to work.  I used to work at Subway, Kroger and Chuck E. Cheese, all places within walking distance.

I've had really low self-esteem lately about getting a job, lately.  My mom has been putting off taking me places, and it's difficult to get out of the house and up in the morning.  I think my mom wants me to wait until the holidays are over to look for a job, and I feel like I can't wait.  She is probably right, though, I should just take a breather.

Took a stand today, to go to the strip mall in Pantego, near my house.  I woke up late and was angry about that, then I took the dog for a long walk, which I felt she needed.  I wasn't sure I would get out again, but I did and everything was worth it.

Life comes at you fast, but if you are ready, you can catch and pass.